step 5

I miss you....though i never met you... These are the opening lines of a song by my acquaintance, kindred Spirit and awesome musician Ashton Allen. This song is not about what i am going through at all, but those lines are just what i am feeling lately. there was just something about the knowledge that this tiny child was growing inside me that simply changed my life. i will never be the same. i am not sure is it was the brief but meaningful time I was pregnant, or the experience of the miscarriage and the work that God did in me through that, but i am forever changed. Father, help me to put my trust in Youj and lean on Your strength and goodness thru all of this. amen

For the first time ...

...every word in this song means something real to me. (Blessed be Your Name, in the land that is plentiful/where Your Streams of abundance flow/Blessed be Your name/and blessed be Your name, when i'm found in the desert place/though i walk through the wilderness/blessed be Your name//every blessing You pour out i'll turn back to praise/and when the darkness closes in , Lord/still i will say/Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your name/blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be Your glorious name//Blessed be Your name when the sun's shining down on me/when the world's all as it should be/blessed be Your name/ and blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering/though there's pain in the offerring/ blessed be Your name//Every blessing You pour out i'll turn back to praise/when the darkness closes in Lord/ Still i will say/ Blessed be the name of the Lord/Blessed be Your name/blessed be the name of the Lord/ Blessed be Your glorious name// You give and take away/You give and take away/ But my heart will choose to say /Blessed be Your name!!!) I remember singing that song and wondering if in the desert place or on the road marked with sufferring could i really praise God. did i love Him and trust Him enough to know that His plan was far better than mine and remember that when i was really hurting? until yesterday it was all hypothetical really. Not anymore. I have lost loved ones before, and it was sad, but the loss of a child is something completely different- even if it is a child you never even met. i was still a mother- for a brief time, and i loved this child with all of my heart and wanted nothing more in this world than to protect my little one from every harm. And i think i got my first taste of one of the pains of motherhood- no matter how badly you want to protect your child- you can't! you can do everything "right" and sometimes it is just out of your control. But it is never ever out of HIS control. God knew form the moment this child was concieved what would happen, and although i don't understand it, He has a plan to use it for my good and His glory. So, because of that knowledge, which i am prayerfully converting into belief, i can, on this "desert road of suffering" Still say : BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD!!!!! In this world, The love of God is my oasis!

Silver Lining

Abba~ today was such a long, hard day. I am more sure than ever before of how small my mind must be compared to Yours, because I sure don't understand why today happened. I mean the Real reasons- the You reasons- not the medical reasons. Those do not interest me in the least. I am not angry with You like I would have expected to be in this situation. I am just confused. I don't really understand why You would allow us to find out about the baby last week just to have a miscarriage a mere week later. But my ways are not Your ways. Father, I love You and I trust You to have a perfect plan for my life, and in my head I know that this will be ok, that it's not the end, but rather a beginning of another chance to create something beautiful. Thank You for all the people who love me and are praying for me right now. Thank You for everything You have blessed me with so far in life,and for adopting me as your child. Abba, You have given me so much, and allowed me to experience such wonderful things- I know You have sooo much more in store. Help me not to lose sight of You in this, Father. Help me to just get right back up and get healthy again and look for people who need Your love every day. Thank You for my Husband, who is so kind to me and takes such good care of me. Help me look for ways to bless Him every day. Thank You, Abba, for another chance to have a baby. Please help us to know when the time is right to try again.

just amazed

Hello loyal readers... ;-) Today i sit in awe of God's goodness to me. Although i don't know very much about my Little One, i know that i could never love anyone more than this child growing inside of me. I am afraid at times that something will go wrong, that this is too good to be true, but with God's help, i won't be focusing on that. After all, would not want it to become a self- fullfilling prophecy! No, instead i am gonna choose to embrace the joy and peace that come form knowing that I am a Child of the Most High and He loves me far beyond my imagiantion- way beyond how much i could ever love my baby.He knows whether i am having a boy or a girl, when Little One will be born, eye color (i hope blue) hair color, (i hope brown if it is a girl or red if it is a boy)everything . in 5 days i may have an idea of some of this - but never will i have the intimate knowledge of my child that God does- or that some knowledge that He has of me! amazing! Abba Father, thank You for blessing us with this child.Please continure to protect Him or her like You have so far. Please allow our Little One to grow strong and healthy ,and to be born with no complications. Make this child a living example of Your power and Your ability to make something wondrous and beautiful out of a flawed vessel. Help me to take care of myself in every way neccesary to take good care of the baby. Give me peace and help me to trust in You and Your power to protect and grow this child. Finally, i pray that we will find out on Wednesday that i am past my first trimester and that everything is perfect with Little One's development. Amen