Something to Sing About.

Father, i've been a rollercoaster lately. by lately i mean the past couple years. a lot of it has been due to lack of time spent with you. some of it is not taking care of myself physically. i have been inconsistent. But You have not. You have been completely constant and faithful to provide for me everything i need and so many things i have wanted. Thank You, Abba. The past month especially has been incredible, with Scott's promotion, a new home to move to, lots of time with friends, You have blessed us beyond Belief! I am really looking forward to finding a new Church family to join and be part of soon, and i thank You for what You have healed in my heart to make that happen. Lots to do today. please help me to get the house in some kind of shape by the time Viv gets here. also, please let my hair not be a total disaster... For all my friends who are going through the end of a marriage right now i ask for wisdom, Healing, strength and a strong sense fo Your presence with them. For those whose marriages are struggling i ask for renewal, for healing between them and that you'll draw them closer to You through this difficult time. For my own and all other marriages i ask for blessings, for patience, for selflessness and understanding. Father, sometimes it;s difficult to be patient when we sense a prodding from you to do something specific and for reasons human or unknown it doesn;t go how we think it should. for those times i ask for patience, both with the people who seem to be in our way and with the situations in general. i ask that especially in these times you'll show us what you want us to do, and really give us a sense that You are with us. i ask for health blessings on everyone i know and love, especially my husband and my Sigler. please heal any hurts or illnesses and make them strong. My heart cries out to you for some people i know who do not know you and are really living in a way that is self destructive. help me to love them, help me to embrace and accept them, but not to condone these self-destructive behaviors. Help me to be faithful in praying for them and being a friend. Thnak You for all the opportunities You;ve put in front of me, and for showing Yourself to me in so many new ways all the time. i love you, abba!

One of my "Top People"

Over the next idon'tknowhowlong i am going to be writing about some of my favorite people, and the impact they have had on my life. I was thinking of doing a "top ten countdown" type thing, but really it would not be fair- there would be too many ties! (i will state my top three, though, because i am very sure of them! 1. Scott Alexander Breakall, 2. Kathleen Marie Thompson, and 3. Melissa Renee Thompson. There. now stop fighting everyone!) The person i want to write about today is someone who would probably be surprised to find herself on this list, since we have not been as close for the past few years. What she does not know is that to me she was on of the first true examples of a good friend. She is getting married in less than a month, and i am so very excited for her. She will be an amazing wife- i am sure of it. She is a loving, loyal and selfless friend, one who will go so far above and beyond it is unbelievable! A few examples:

• During a point in Scott and my courtship where my mother insisted on reading all my letters- Kristine mailed them for me! i would bring a stack of envelopes to school and she would faithfully take them home and mail them.
• She called Scott's parents to talk to them and help me out when I was having trouble at home. Once, i was really having a hard time at home, and Kris used the school pay phone and called Scott's house to tell his parents what was going on- i believe she talked to his dad.
• She listened to me complain about all my relationship issues- even in the days BEFORE Scott! She was there when the dam broke when the very last boy ever to break my little heart finally did. believe me- it was a biiiig mess!
• She listened to and helped me analyze the very early stages of Scott and my relationship- Hey Kris~ Remember my Green Folder?
• She did so much more than i can even write.

Kristine also put up with a lot of insane self-centeredness from me, that i cringe to remember looking back on it.

• like when she made me a beautiful collage and poem as a gift and i said "umm thanks for the dead leaves" Guess i thought i deserved better at the time. little did i really appreciate the compliments and heartfelt messages in the gift. It now hangs with a place of pride on my wall!
• Like listening to the constant play by play of the trials and tribulations in my life- i did try to be there for her, but unfortunately, i am afraid i took way more than i gave in this department!
• Like not setting me straight when i whined and pouted about her not being able to come to my graduation party- When her DAD was getting married that day!!!!!!
• She endured my constant matchmaking schemes involving her and every single nice guy that i/we knew...including the aforementioned last guy who broke my heart... if it didn't work out for me, why the heck did i think he'd be any less of a douche to her?
• i am certain there are more examples.

I have so many wonderful memories of the two school years i spent with Kristine as my one and only Girlfriend.

• The monkey jump. If you never saw it i cannot describe it! whenever Kristine was excited about something i was blessed to experience this- often combined with a big smile and a high pitched "REALLY?????"
• www.philjoel.com-- this one was a running joke. i would start a sentence with "Okay, so..." and right on target Kristine would join in with me "...i was on www.philjoel.com...." Yes...i had a problem....Hello my name is Maegan and i am a Phil-aholic- it's been ....at least a month since i last googled him.
• Matching overalls. well they were not actually matching....(hers were denim and mine were khaki) and it was never on purpose... but somehow we ALWAYS wore our overalls to school on the same day.
• Yelling JOHN EDDS! - John himself will have his own entry fairly soon on this blog, but i had to include this story. John was the pit captain in the band at school, and every home football game at halftime during John and my senior year Kris and i would yell at the top of our lungs "John Edds!!!!!" After the last game of the year, Kris said to me, ever so sweetly- "I am going to miss you next year- i won't have anyone to yell john edds with!" to which i responded- "well you won't have anyone to yell it AT either, Since he's Graduating too..."
• The BEST PROM EVER! another example of Kristine's super-coolness and my thinking the entire world revolved around me: Scott and i wanted John and his date to share a limo with us to senior Prom, so i asked John one morning if he had a date for Prom yet. he said he didn't. this allowed me to approach my other interest in asking this- i wanted my Girlfriend, who at the time was a Sophomore to be at my Prom. I very smoothly said "okay, then you should take Kristine!" He replied "she won't go with me!" Ever in control, i turned and called out "Hey Kris, would you go to Prom with John?" "Yeah!" was the answer. TA DA! Now all my favorite people were going to Prom together!
• The service auction- this one is just for Kris and me, because the set up takes too long. just know that she got in a heated competition with a mother of a little boy over some guitar lessons from a someone who was really not worth it...
• Kristine's way of scaring off guys: at dinner before prom, our waiter was a little flirtier than we would have liked, and so Kris decided to scare him off in a very creative way... dressed up in all her prom glamour, she picked up her knife, tilted her head and really concentrated on her knife- she looked like a cross between an mental patient and a serial killer- very Scary! the waiter could not be deterred though, and we both still got free desserts!
• Cranberry Ice eyeshadow- oh my, i just realized that it was Kristine who gave me my first Mary Kay Makeover! if only she knew what she was starting! BTW- i do have this product stockpiled for myself in case it ever gets discontinued!
• "WHERE IS JOHN????"- this was when john was like idunno, an hour and a half late showing up to take pictures before Prom, and i thought i was gonna kill him, but instead just gave him a big hug when he did finally show up!
• MARS- sorry...no explanation. Just know Kris, that once we got married, there was no more need for such a code... Silly Silly.
• My Birthday gift for Scott photo shoot. Kris made me feel and look like a million bucks.

• I have so many memories from those years, and i treasure them all, but the most amazing and wonderful gift and memory that we shared was prayer. almost every single day we met in prayer before school- sometimes with a ton of schoolmates, sometimes a few, sometimes just us. and that- more than anything else it what made our friendship strong.

Kris, you are a once- in a lifetime friend to me, and i love you more than i can say. i miss you so deeply, and i am praying that maybe once you have begun to settle into married life we can begin to rekindle a friendship that i never want to let go. You will always be the Diana Barry to my Anne Shirley. I LOVE YOU!

A big day

Father, today i ask for your blessing on Scott. he will very likely find out today whether or not he has gotten the job that he applied for and really wants. you know our hearts, and the desires within them. you know why and how badly we want for scott to get this job. father, i ask for peace for us both as we wait on you for the answer, and i ask that you will bless my husband with this job. Father, it would be such a help and encouragement to him, and would provide us with so much freedom in our time. Father, you know what is best adn i just ask today that you will bless us through this and give us your peace.

Losing myself

Father, today my mother made a good point. i need to lose my sense of everything being about me before i am ready to be a mother. i ask today that you start working in me to make me less self centered. please eradicate this disease of self pity that i find spreading inside me. please renew me with your joy every day.remind me to look for ways to bless others in my life and keep me form burdening everyone with my issues. i ask that you will help me to be productive each day and keep me from idleness. help me to keep my mind active and focused and not allow me to sit around feeling sorry for myself.Really help me to see opportunities to show others your love each and every day and help me to be so full of love and excitement for the thigs going on now that i won't give a thought to what is to come!

Prayer For my Man

Abba, thank you for this beautiful day and all you have planned for it. Thank you for waking me bright and early to serve Scott in a way that was meaningful to him by ironing his shirt. Thank you for blessing me with two wonderful moms who love me and encourage me to know you more! Today is a big day for Scott. Right now he is in a meeting to discuss a job promotion that could really be a big change for us. i ask that you will bless him with peace and confidence in this meeting. i ask that You will shine through in him and that he will be sure of what he wants and needs to say to present himself ad best he can. Father i ask that you will put it upon those who are deciding to give this job to Scott, and that they will give him the salary that he deserves. Father, i ask that you will use this to encourage Scott to continue to do his best to glorify you in his work and to show others he comes in contact with your love.Abba, you know all the reasons that we want him to get this job, and you know our hearts.i thank you for all you bless us with every day.

Positive?

Abba, i took a test. i think it came out positive. it was right after i was talking to you that i looked at it and saw the line. please let it be true. please help the baby to be healthy! please help our little one grow big and strong and prepare us to love him or her and teach her about you.father i also ask that You will fill me with your peace and help me to trust you in all things big and small! father right now i am afraid. part of me is afraid that i am not really pregnant, the other part is afraid i will lose this baby as well. please cast out this fear and fill it with your perfect peace. i love you abba!

Good To Know

Abba Father, I am so thankful for Your love and kindness towards me. i am thankful for all the times when i have worked myself into a tizzy about something and you have pulled me into your arms and reminded me that i don't have to be afraid or anxious. in times like this when so many things seem uncertain and unpredictable it's okay, because You know what's going on now and what will come of it!It's good to know that. It is good to know: * You love me more than i could ever imagine. * you know and have ordained all the events of my life * you have a plan to use my life to bring you glory and me good * you have already decided when our child will be conceived. * You know whether it will be a boy or girl. * You know the outcome of Scott applying for a new job. * You have the strength i don't. * You can heal all hurts * You understand and hear my heart's cries. *nothing is outside of what You can know and do! Thank You For Loving me and making me your child. Help me to now and always wait upon you and trust that all will happen in the way You want it to. Help me to hope in you without anxiety, and enable me to trust your promises. I cannot do this on my own. Please fill me with Your strength in all i do and all i attempt each day, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Make me a better wife, show me the best ways to love my husband. I want to glorify you and show him your love.Abba, i love You more than i can say. help me show you better.

Dance Dance Revolution!

I have been playing ddr for the past hour, and i have to say i still cannot bleive how time flies when playing that game! if any of you has an xbox or playstation- i would highly reccomend this game for any skill level. i love it, and i am really pretty bad at it! anyway, just a thought i wanted to put out there!

Learning patience

Seems like i have been learning patience forever, don't it? Yeah, i guess sometimes i can be a little thick-headed. Well , I have had a few moments over the past couple days that have felt a little discouraged, but fortunately God has helped me to not give into that feeling for too long. He keeps reminding me that my family and friends love me for me and that i am not less special to them because i have not had a baby yet.If you're reading this and you want to pray for me, ask God to give me an extra measure of his peace and comfort as well as patience as i work to get my physical strength back and seek Him more in waiting on and trusting Him to give us a baby. right now i am really motivated to get my workout back on track. i feel so yucky about my current fitness level and i want to get really strong and healthy so that when i am pregnant so many things will be easier, and it will be easier to bounce back after baby. i am gonna whip my butt literally into shape! with that..i am gonna sign off , eat lunch, and play some DDR!

Praise the lord!

God is so good, y'all. i went to the doctor last week, and while i did not get the news i hoped for- it was and still is- okay. i think through a number of people in my life as well as some intense prayer time, my Abba Father has pulled me close to Himself and helped me to really see a chance to love and trust Him for real. it is so hard to let go- and i won't lie- i cannot think of anything that would make me happier than a baby right now- but at the same time, i can wait. God blessed me with an amazing moment as my doctor entered the exam room last week. he put this prayer into my heart- "Father, i want to want for me what you want for me. please give me patience and help me trust you." those of you who know me and how badly i want to be a mother know that that is not me all on my own. that is God. So for now i am gonna focus on getting healthy spiritually, physically and emotionally. the physical part is requiring its own level of patience, but that's a story for another entry.

Easier Said than Done

This past weekend i saw a remarkable film called Facing The Giants. I went into the experience expecting the cheese factor and overly campy acting and plot of a typical Christian movie- and was more than pleasantly surprised. I would recommend this to everyone who can get their hands on it! One of the major story lines in this movie touched me personally and made me ask myself "Could i still love God if he did not give me my heart's desire?" it's a hard question. i want to say yes, after all, i got through losing the baby in October didn't i? well, not on my own. and it wasn't easy. But could i really hang on and keep on trucking if my desire for a child of my own blood never came to fruition? honestly...it would be so hard. i want with all my heart to be able to say yes, but i think to some degree i would be so angry- i would wonder why a loving God would allow me to become pregnant once and know about it and then never give me a child. But knowing as i do the beauty of adoption and the way God blessed me with it twice- from Himself and my earthly Daddy- how could i really question His plan. So today, Father, i say to You and to the world- As hard as it may be- I WILL LOVE YOU! But i also know that making that statement doesn't mean i am giving up hope-!it means i am laying it(probably Daily!) in God's able hands and trusting that He will give us His best. that is so much easier to write than actually do. If you are reading this... just pray for me. Letting Go of what i want most and trusting God is scary. and right now it is even scarier since i am already feeling like less of a person for being without a baby. AAAh! Heavenly Father, i cannot get through this without you! Thanks You for being there every step of the way!

...But it's so HARD!!!!

Abba, This morning i come to you dragging my feet a bit. I know what to do, but i am both afraid and too stubborn. i need to let go of my need- no- desire to control the situation of when i become a mother and trust that You have it all under control. i know that....but it's so hard! I need to trust that all things will work out for my good and your glory...but it's so hard! I need to cast all my cares upon you and trust that you will continue to care for me, just as you always have...but it's so hard! Father, my heart aches at the thought of my lost baby, at the knowledge that my niece or nephew is at the exact stage of development that my child would have been in,wondering how she is better than me that you are blessing her with a child and took mine away, at the thought of being reminded of my loss whenever i think of that other child. I am afraid, abba that i am worth less to my family, that those who can have children sooner will be loved more, and that i will be looked down upon for losing my baby. i know these are all silly selfish thoughts, and i ask forgiveness for even thinking them. i want to let them go, to never think or feel this way again... but it's so hard! Abba, i cannot deal with this on my own. i need you to come and heal my broken heart, to give me joy for every day, to remind me of your love, to give me strength to trust Your plan and to let go of my own. (man- is that hard to say!) Father, i guess that is the hardest part right now. the letting go seems dang near impossible. i guess i am afraid if i let go i will lose it.i am afraid that if i don't look out for my desire to be a mom, that nobody else will. i guess i am afraid that maybe I'm not supposed to have a baby, and the thought of that breaks my heart! But i know you have my best in mind. please, Father guide my steps and guard my heart and mind from damaging thoughts and feelings.Father, i once again ask you to give us a baby, but i also ask that in the time between now and then that you would prepare me, and help me to see how to become more like you. help me to be patient and trust you, since that is something i will definitely need as a mom! Abba, help me to not compare myself or my situation to others or be jealous. help me to know that Your plan is perfect, and give me joy and peace in that knowledge. Finally Abba, Thank you for a Mother who loves me enough to point me back to you. Bless her today. Amen.

not even sure what to call it

Father, today i feel oh so many things. some of them i am ashamed of- i should not be feeling them at all. i feel sad, because of the loss of our baby almost three months ago. i feel jealous that within days of when that baby was to be born, another will be, and that will be a painful reminder of what i have lost. i feel guilty for feeling this, knowing that i should rejoice with those who rejoice, but i cant seem to make myself. i am excited to have a niece or nephew, and i don't begrudge them their happiness, especially after they also experienced the loss that makes my heart ache every day. but at the same time, Abba, i want to scream and pound things because this just feels so unfair!!!! But You never promised Fair. You promised that all things would work out for my good. i know i am incredibly short sighted, but right now it all just hurts. i feel like all this baby stuff is too much. that it would just be easier to forget the whole thing and decide not to have children than to go through all of this pain and up and down, and hope and disappointment.

and then there is the other side of everything that i feel, yet am afraid to feel. i feel hopeful. i have a hope in me that even now i am pregnant. i have hope that as i type, unworthy of your blessings, in full light of my foolish jealousy, you are knitting together a beautiful child deep inside of me. but i am afraid to hope.i am afraid that if i do, my heart will be broken again, and i don't want that. Father, right now i want tow things, almost equally. i want to be healthy, physically, mentally, and emotionally. i want that so badly. and second, maybe even slightly more- i want to be a mother. Father, i ask this with my whole heart poured out at your feet- please bless us with a baby. if i am already pregnant, i ask that you will knit the little one together to be so strong that nothing can hurt it, and if not, Father, i ask that you take the pieces of Scott and i and create a new life from them, and i ask that you will begin this work now. Father, help me to trust you for what's best and help me to find comfort in you.

Wishing and wondering

I am starting to hope and wonder... if there is a new life inside of me. i have all of the symptoms i had before, and it has been long enough... Oh, my Father , take my heart and all its hopes and wonderings and wrap me in Your arms of love. Give me wisdom as to what course to pursue over the next days and weeks, help me to trust in You and Your perfect timing. i desire motherhood so deeply, Father, and i fear that another disappointment would be more than i could bear. Father, just guide and protect me and my tender heart, and help me to rely on You for strength and hope and Patience as we wait to see your will worked out.

The ache is still sharp

This song was written about a child who lived only two and a half days. i cannot imagine losing a child after carrying him for so long and delivering him. my heart is broken over a child i never met. Yet this song captures it perfectly. (Wheres the navigator of your destiny?/ Where is the dealer of this hand?/ Who can explain life and its brevity/ cause there is nothing here that I can understand/ You and I have barely met/ And I just dont want to let go of you yet// Chorus: Noah, hello, goodbye/ I will see you on the other side/ Noah, sweet child of mine/ I will see you on the other side// And so I hold your tiny hand in mine/ For the hardest thing Ive ever had to face/ Heaven calls for you before it calls for me/ When you get there, save me a place/ A place where I can share your smile/ And I can hold you for more than just a while// Chorus

Four Weeks...

Has it really been that long? In some ways it seems like just yesterday, but in others...well it seems like years ago. I feel like so much has changed inside of me, and i see life in a very different way. i notice more good in others, appreciate kind things done for me more, and see more opportunities to do nice things for others. I have also learned that motherhood is a blessing to be appreciated and taken seriously- and is not something one should take for granted. Not all of what i am feeling is so positive (or mature...) i am really struggling with not being able to understand why i lost the baby. i know that it s probably not for me to know , but it is stull really hard to accept. i guess what i really need is to constantly ask God to remind me of His love and sovreignty and give me peace. Abba~ Please fill me with your peace tonight. help me to trust in You and Your plan for me. I ask for continued motivation and energy to go to the gym and get my body healthy and strong. Help me to get ing good shape and lose most of my excess weight. Make my body healthy so that i can be the best possible growing space for a baby. I also ask that you would bring egg and sperm together in the miracle of conception soon. Please bless us with a healthy preganancy and a new baby as soon as possible. you know our hearts and what is best for us, and i pray You will fill us with your joy . in your precious and Holy name i ask these things.

step 5

I miss you....though i never met you... These are the opening lines of a song by my acquaintance, kindred Spirit and awesome musician Ashton Allen. This song is not about what i am going through at all, but those lines are just what i am feeling lately. there was just something about the knowledge that this tiny child was growing inside me that simply changed my life. i will never be the same. i am not sure is it was the brief but meaningful time I was pregnant, or the experience of the miscarriage and the work that God did in me through that, but i am forever changed. Father, help me to put my trust in Youj and lean on Your strength and goodness thru all of this. amen

For the first time ...

...every word in this song means something real to me. (Blessed be Your Name, in the land that is plentiful/where Your Streams of abundance flow/Blessed be Your name/and blessed be Your name, when i'm found in the desert place/though i walk through the wilderness/blessed be Your name//every blessing You pour out i'll turn back to praise/and when the darkness closes in , Lord/still i will say/Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your name/blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be Your glorious name//Blessed be Your name when the sun's shining down on me/when the world's all as it should be/blessed be Your name/ and blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering/though there's pain in the offerring/ blessed be Your name//Every blessing You pour out i'll turn back to praise/when the darkness closes in Lord/ Still i will say/ Blessed be the name of the Lord/Blessed be Your name/blessed be the name of the Lord/ Blessed be Your glorious name// You give and take away/You give and take away/ But my heart will choose to say /Blessed be Your name!!!) I remember singing that song and wondering if in the desert place or on the road marked with sufferring could i really praise God. did i love Him and trust Him enough to know that His plan was far better than mine and remember that when i was really hurting? until yesterday it was all hypothetical really. Not anymore. I have lost loved ones before, and it was sad, but the loss of a child is something completely different- even if it is a child you never even met. i was still a mother- for a brief time, and i loved this child with all of my heart and wanted nothing more in this world than to protect my little one from every harm. And i think i got my first taste of one of the pains of motherhood- no matter how badly you want to protect your child- you can't! you can do everything "right" and sometimes it is just out of your control. But it is never ever out of HIS control. God knew form the moment this child was concieved what would happen, and although i don't understand it, He has a plan to use it for my good and His glory. So, because of that knowledge, which i am prayerfully converting into belief, i can, on this "desert road of suffering" Still say : BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD!!!!! In this world, The love of God is my oasis!

Silver Lining

Abba~ today was such a long, hard day. I am more sure than ever before of how small my mind must be compared to Yours, because I sure don't understand why today happened. I mean the Real reasons- the You reasons- not the medical reasons. Those do not interest me in the least. I am not angry with You like I would have expected to be in this situation. I am just confused. I don't really understand why You would allow us to find out about the baby last week just to have a miscarriage a mere week later. But my ways are not Your ways. Father, I love You and I trust You to have a perfect plan for my life, and in my head I know that this will be ok, that it's not the end, but rather a beginning of another chance to create something beautiful. Thank You for all the people who love me and are praying for me right now. Thank You for everything You have blessed me with so far in life,and for adopting me as your child. Abba, You have given me so much, and allowed me to experience such wonderful things- I know You have sooo much more in store. Help me not to lose sight of You in this, Father. Help me to just get right back up and get healthy again and look for people who need Your love every day. Thank You for my Husband, who is so kind to me and takes such good care of me. Help me look for ways to bless Him every day. Thank You, Abba, for another chance to have a baby. Please help us to know when the time is right to try again.

just amazed

Hello loyal readers... ;-) Today i sit in awe of God's goodness to me. Although i don't know very much about my Little One, i know that i could never love anyone more than this child growing inside of me. I am afraid at times that something will go wrong, that this is too good to be true, but with God's help, i won't be focusing on that. After all, would not want it to become a self- fullfilling prophecy! No, instead i am gonna choose to embrace the joy and peace that come form knowing that I am a Child of the Most High and He loves me far beyond my imagiantion- way beyond how much i could ever love my baby.He knows whether i am having a boy or a girl, when Little One will be born, eye color (i hope blue) hair color, (i hope brown if it is a girl or red if it is a boy)everything . in 5 days i may have an idea of some of this - but never will i have the intimate knowledge of my child that God does- or that some knowledge that He has of me! amazing! Abba Father, thank You for blessing us with this child.Please continure to protect Him or her like You have so far. Please allow our Little One to grow strong and healthy ,and to be born with no complications. Make this child a living example of Your power and Your ability to make something wondrous and beautiful out of a flawed vessel. Help me to take care of myself in every way neccesary to take good care of the baby. Give me peace and help me to trust in You and Your power to protect and grow this child. Finally, i pray that we will find out on Wednesday that i am past my first trimester and that everything is perfect with Little One's development. Amen