Where've i been?

well, that's a tough question to answer. over the past few years ive been to some incredible and terrible places physically and spiritually. a lot of it is really personal, and while i do my best to be open and honest and vulnerable on this blog, there is a line of discretion that i can't cross. that said, if you're someone i know and you'd like to hear where i've been and what God's done on a more detailed level, email me or comment and let me know and i'll get in touch with you. **** So, now i'm back and i'm gonna start using this blog again. i've got a number of blogs and i am working to keep up with them all better. i;ve got this one, a fitness blog over at BuffRDQ, my travel blog from last summer, which i need to complete, my journey to becoming a Roller Derby Queen, and this one, which i guess covers everything else that i havent used in ages! so, yeah, i am a blog addict. This one though, is the most important to me though. it chronicles my spiritual journey, and for those who follow it, shows them how to pray for me and maybe- i hope and pray- can encourage people through storms and struggles. so, yeah. i'm back.

Time To SHINE

Hi. If you’re reading this, you’re one of my balcony people. See, with all that;s happened in the past few months, I’ve really had to step back and evaluate who in my life is *really* a friend. (I think I;ve defined “friend” too loosely in the past but that;s another blog post)Theere are two types of people in life: Balcony people who want to pull you up and build you up and support you in becoming the best you can be, and basement people, who pull you down, pull the floor from under you, or just don’t care if you fall. You are one of the few people I consider a top tier balcony person. (there are less than a dozen of you being asked to read this.) you know me, my flaws and even my mistakes and you’ve chosen to love me anyway and even invested yourself in my growth. Thank you and I love you.

Some of you know how powerful music is to me, and how I often express myself through song lyrics. The other day I had the iPod on shuffle, and a song I’d heard before and thought was nice suddenly became a tear jerking wakeup call to me: I heard you talking to me through this song and I became overwhelmed.

Oh the night makes you a star/And it holds you cold in its arms You`re the one to whom nobody verses I love you /Unless you say it first So you lie there holding your breath /And its strange how soon you forget That you`re like stars /They only show up when it`s dark Cause they don`t know their worth

And I think you need to stop following misery`s lead Shine away shine away shine away Isn`t it time you got over how fragile you are We`re all waiting Waiting on your supernova Cause that`s who you are And you`ve only begun to shine

There are times when the poets and pornstars align and /You won`t know who to believe in Well that`s a good time to be leavin` And the past knocks on your door /And throws stones at your window at 4 in the morning Well maybe he thinks it`s romantic /He`s crazy but you knew that before

And I think you need to stop following misery`s lead Shine away Shine away Shine away Isn`t it time you got over how fragile you are We`re all waiting Waiting on your supernova Cause that`s who you are And you`ve only begun to shine

Yeah you`ve only begun to shine Won`t you shine shine shine shine over shadow Shine shine shine shine over shadow Shine shine shine shine over

And I think you need to stop following misery`s lead Shine away Shine away Shine away Isn`t it time you got over how fragile you are We`re all waiting Waiting on your supernova Cause that`s who you are And you`ve only begun to shine

Yeah you`ve only begun to shine Yeah you`ve only begun to shine Yeah you`ve only begun to shine

~Anna Nalick, "Shine"

Each of you, in your own way has sung me this song. Some of you have simply been there to listen, encourage, embrace, and offer prayer for me, and that means the world. Kindness and being embraced in spite of my flaws is profound to me. Thank you. Through that you’ve shown your desire to see me shine and belief that I will.

Some of you have settled down right in the foxhole with me. Some of your love has been tough loveand the chorus of this song seems to be coming right from your lips.

One of you saw me bogged down in insecurity and comparing myself to others, and through this keeping myself from shining as I could. You helped me realize that I have my won brand of awesome and that people want to see that, and that I have great potential and am loveable. You help me be comfortable in my own skin.

Another of you saw me mourning a loss long past and diminishing my ability to shine through allowing it to steal my joy. You’ve never shied from telling me what you think and that includes that it’s time to move forward. You;ve encouraged and challenged me over and over again and let me know when you have seen me shining and thanked me for the times I’ve been there for you.

Yet another of you saw me wallowing in self pity and doing it publically. When nobody else was brave enough to tell me I was shooting myself in the foot with this, you did. You speak the truth to me lovingly, because you want to see me shine- you counter every criticism with encouragement and hope and reassurance of the shiny you see in me.

And you- you had to make a hard choice, and you knew it hurt me, though it wanst meant to. You sat with me for hours and talked it out. you said something to me that I could not have fathomed how much it would mean “Mae, I have not given up on you.” You;ve always been one of my biggest fans and cheerleaders, and have helped me see potential for greatness in myself that I hadn’t dreamed possible.

You, my friend and my brother have allowed me to be there for you- to share in you hurts and your joys. You;ve treated me like an equal and never condemned me. Your faith in me and my ability to be something great has always been unspoken but there.

You’re a sister and a friend to me. You were the first person to know my biggest failure and you didn’t judge. You’ve called me out for avoiding you because I knew you’d give me the tough love I deserve at times. You know the ways I struggle and you’re always there for support and encouragement.

Thank you-all of you- for the ways you;ve helped me and been friends to me on more than just a casual level.

Finally- “Isn’t it it time…?” Yes. Yes it is. I told someone recently that insecure Mae is dying. I am awesome and if people don’t see it- screw ‘em. I’m ready to “stop following misery’s lead… Shine away Shine away Shine AWAAAAY!” So, thank you, and please keep givin the tough love, and the nice kind too :-) I’m thankful beyond words for you and you know I’m here to support you anytime you need me.

feelings

i feel a lot. sometimes i like that about myself but sometimes it' a big pain. i am often very perceptive, and on the occasions i am wrong i tend to hurt myself pretty badly by assuming things about others that are not true. latelyi have been consumed with this need to be loved and wanted and not forgotten by someone close to me, and while i thought i had it licked, it's eating away at me agian. i feel like i am just a space saver which is ridiculous . i worry way more than i need to. so yeah. i feel way too much.

balloons

wow. i've just had an epiphany. People are not balloons. but sometimes i treat those closest to me like they are. i try to tie them down or hold onto them for dear life in order to keep them from flying away. this results in smothering and people can be like balloons in that they might pop if ya squeeze them too tight. but really. people are not balloons. lately i am struggling pretty hard with this concept. i know that all change is felt as loss and that doesn;t mean i'm actually losing anything. my best friend has met a guy (through me- at my encouragement cuz he's awesome) that she;s nuts about. that in itself is great and awesome and wonderful thing and makes me happy for her. i love seeing her happy. at the same time though i fear abandonment. i have no reason to fear this, because she's told me over and over that nothing is going to change. i believe her, though it;s taken me a long time to get even that far. trouble is the fear won't go away. it;s easing some, but i still feel really uneasy. this has been a struggle for me over and over in life and it;s a matter of trusting people to love me like they say they do and even more a matter of Trusting God to give me the best that He has for me. Father, please forgive me for my selfish and self centeredness lately. i'm really struffling to let go of my need to control situations especially the one surrounding my friendship with J. i loe her so much and am so glad she has found someone to make her happy, for however long it lasts. at the same time though i am struggling with this fear of being replaced or losing our closeness. she;s told me over and over that nothing is changing between us and that she loves me. please help me to believe this, help me to trust her and trust you. help me to enjoy and appreciate the special times she and i do share and to be patient as all this newness settles into normalcy. Father, remove this fear and replace it with joy and peace. i cannot do this on my own. i am so weak and shatter easily. please fill me with peace and joy and love. i long for that, i am hungry for it. I Can't Do This. (Plumb) I woke up late./ Guess I'm never really early./ I hesitate,/ Only to fail/. I get so tired/ Of procrastinating./ I need a change.// I can't do this./ I can't do this/ I can't do this by myself./ I can't do this./ I can't do this./ Oh God, I need your help.// I'm standing still,/ Moved so peaceful/. I can't pretend/ That I'm fine./ I get so ill,/ Crazy, agitated/ When I'm not really dying.// I can't do this./ I can't do this./ I can't do this by myself./ I can't do this./ I can't do this./ Oh God, I need your help.// Press into me. (Press into me.)/ Breathe the air. (Breathe the air.)/ Bask in me. (Bask in me.)/ You'll be free/ To do anything.// I can't do this./ I can't do this./ I can't do this by myself./ I can't do this./ I can't do this./ Oh God, I need your help./ I can't do this./ I can't do this./ I can't do this by myself./ I can't do this./ I can't do this./ Oh God, I need your help.//

Loneliness.

Seems like a constant struggle for me. I was an only child for most of my childhood. I don't think it registered as much then as loneliness, because it just was what it was. My mom worked, and i didn't see much of her when i was little, but that was normal to me. i was perfectly content to sit in my room and play by myself or read for hours. No, it wasn't till i had more people around that i began to feel lonely. seems strange, right, that once my family went from 2 to 3 to 6 people i became lonely. maybe because by the time i was not an only child i was reaching a point in my development that was going to make me feel alien anyway. maybe it was because it was right about then that the kids got meaner and meaner. My brother was born right after we made the biggest move i could remember, at the most awkward stage of my development, to a place where the kids were meaner than any i have ever known...i think THEN is when i became lonely. The sense of not mattering, not belonging, even at home was excruciating (add to all this the fact that i was not of the same biological parentage as my three younger siblings, and so had that feeling of alienation as well), and having to start over with no friends made it SO depressing. That summer my faith which had up till then been something i did- not really something personal and deep became so real to me it was unbelievable, and became my identity. Because of my lack of maturity in this time of being passionate about my faith, i may have done myself more harm than good by constantly shoving it down everyone;s throats. So- though i had my Jesus, i was still lonely. i never had that many friends while we lived in RI, and though i longed for popularity, i loved the friends i had. but i was still lonely because i felt like nobody really wanted me, nobody really understood. Then we moved to Va Beach. this transition was much easier for many reasons, but the loneliness remained. it was that summer though when God began to really teach me how to gain fulfillment and replace that loneliness with Him. As i began to learn how to truly live for him, one of the best and least lonely times in my life began. i made many many friends, most of whom were learning and living just like i was- aflame and consumed by Jesus and loving Him. instead of my faith being what divided me from people as it had before, it was what united me to them, what made us a family. Things at home were alternately better and worse, as God began a process of taking apart and healing that continues even now in my family, but i wasn't alone because i had my community to support me. One part of this community was a boy I'd never expected to matter much to me. he wasn't the type i thought i could really be close to. Little did i know that what put me off about him was only a wall protecting the most wonderful and tender heart i;d ever know. As my relationship with Scott grew, my loneliness faded completely. yeah, i missed him a ton because we saw so little of one another, but i always knew he was there, always knew he was praying for me and cared about me. Fast forward a few years. We are married, i am the housewife i always wanted to be. but i am getting lonely again. this is partly because i am so social and being home alone all day saps me out emotionally, so we get 2 cats. this helps a ton, but Cats are not people, so i still get a lil melancholy when Scott is gonna be gone longer than the usual 11 hour in a day. But thankfully that other, painful loneliness never returned. know why? because i am never truly alone. i never was, but through all my struggles (most too personal even to mention here) i have learned to truly know God's presence. whether i can feel it at a given moment is not important. i know He's there- no matter how alone my flesh wants me to believe i am. I need to be reminded of this now, as i prepare to say goodbye to my cats. Seems such a silly thing, but i am going to miss them badly. Abba~ help me fight the lies when i feel alone. Draw me close to you and to my husband and friends. heal my hurts and fill me with your love to give to others each day. Thank you for being my Father, my friend, and the lover of my soul.

Becoming

That's the word. it's what i want to be. it's what i am. The first meaning of the word Becoming is something that often consumes me- the desire for it anyway. The idea of being physically attractive, as in "that young lady is very becoming..." it's so easy to get dragged down by this feeling that i am failing to meet some- often unreasonable- physical standard of outer beauty put upon me by my culture- and more importantly- myself. What i should be focusing much of that energy into is the other kind of Becoming- the verb. The process of change- change into the woman God wants me to be.this can include change in the physical realm- i do need to be healthier and take better care of my body- but not at the expense of change in my heart, my mind and the way i spend my time. these are the main things i truly need to BECOME:

• more faithful- i need to spend more time- or spend time more often with my heavenly Father seeking to become the woman he has created me to be.

• More selfless- i need to look out for the needs of others more- particularly those of my husband.

• more focused- to take care of the needs of the household and myself before having fun- and not allowing myself to become sidetracked.time wasting is a huge issue.

these three things tie together in the way i spend my time. as a housewife, it is easy to just let the day go by, whether i am watching television, reading blogs, talking on an IM client.... these things are not bad uses of time in and of themselves, but spending my whole day at them is really not profitable. my life is beginning to fill with social outlets, activities, moving plans, etc., and i cannot allow myself to just let these days pass. purpose is of the essence and the only way to live without regret. today is Monday, the beginning of a new week, one in which i am determined to start anew and make the most of every moment. Abba Father~ you are truly amazing. you woke me earlier even than I'd planned. You drew me to this desire for purpose- to become more. Thank you for this. thanks for all You bless me with every day, family, friends, LIFE! today i ask special blessings on Scott as he goes to work. he's really not feeling well, and i ask that you'll heal him and enable him to do the best he can at his job. i ask that you will keep him from any temptations, that you will give him a sense of your presence and that he will be a light for you to those he meets in just his interactions. i pray for those i know whose marriages have recently ended, that you'll really show them a sense of your presence in their lives, give them wisdom, strength, and the knowledge of your love. for those whose marriages are struggling, i ask for healing, for a closer- or new found- walk with you, and perseverance. for all other marriages i ask blessings of continued strength, continued growth and a relationship with you. i ask for healing for all that are ill right now. Father, there are so many things people are struggling with that i don't even know. please bless them and hold them all in your hands. for myself, Abba, i ask the strength of body, mind, and will to be productive today. help me to manage my time in a way that allows me to get the most done while i recover from illness and prepare to move. let me be a source of your light to others in how i love them today. please use me to glorify yourself. Amen.

Something to Sing About.

Father, i've been a rollercoaster lately. by lately i mean the past couple years. a lot of it has been due to lack of time spent with you. some of it is not taking care of myself physically. i have been inconsistent. But You have not. You have been completely constant and faithful to provide for me everything i need and so many things i have wanted. Thank You, Abba. The past month especially has been incredible, with Scott's promotion, a new home to move to, lots of time with friends, You have blessed us beyond Belief! I am really looking forward to finding a new Church family to join and be part of soon, and i thank You for what You have healed in my heart to make that happen. Lots to do today. please help me to get the house in some kind of shape by the time Viv gets here. also, please let my hair not be a total disaster... For all my friends who are going through the end of a marriage right now i ask for wisdom, Healing, strength and a strong sense fo Your presence with them. For those whose marriages are struggling i ask for renewal, for healing between them and that you'll draw them closer to You through this difficult time. For my own and all other marriages i ask for blessings, for patience, for selflessness and understanding. Father, sometimes it;s difficult to be patient when we sense a prodding from you to do something specific and for reasons human or unknown it doesn;t go how we think it should. for those times i ask for patience, both with the people who seem to be in our way and with the situations in general. i ask that especially in these times you'll show us what you want us to do, and really give us a sense that You are with us. i ask for health blessings on everyone i know and love, especially my husband and my Sigler. please heal any hurts or illnesses and make them strong. My heart cries out to you for some people i know who do not know you and are really living in a way that is self destructive. help me to love them, help me to embrace and accept them, but not to condone these self-destructive behaviors. Help me to be faithful in praying for them and being a friend. Thnak You for all the opportunities You;ve put in front of me, and for showing Yourself to me in so many new ways all the time. i love you, abba!

One of my "Top People"

Over the next idon'tknowhowlong i am going to be writing about some of my favorite people, and the impact they have had on my life. I was thinking of doing a "top ten countdown" type thing, but really it would not be fair- there would be too many ties! (i will state my top three, though, because i am very sure of them! 1. Scott Alexander Breakall, 2. Kathleen Marie Thompson, and 3. Melissa Renee Thompson. There. now stop fighting everyone!) The person i want to write about today is someone who would probably be surprised to find herself on this list, since we have not been as close for the past few years. What she does not know is that to me she was on of the first true examples of a good friend. She is getting married in less than a month, and i am so very excited for her. She will be an amazing wife- i am sure of it. She is a loving, loyal and selfless friend, one who will go so far above and beyond it is unbelievable! A few examples:

• During a point in Scott and my courtship where my mother insisted on reading all my letters- Kristine mailed them for me! i would bring a stack of envelopes to school and she would faithfully take them home and mail them.
• She called Scott's parents to talk to them and help me out when I was having trouble at home. Once, i was really having a hard time at home, and Kris used the school pay phone and called Scott's house to tell his parents what was going on- i believe she talked to his dad.
• She listened to me complain about all my relationship issues- even in the days BEFORE Scott! She was there when the dam broke when the very last boy ever to break my little heart finally did. believe me- it was a biiiig mess!
• She listened to and helped me analyze the very early stages of Scott and my relationship- Hey Kris~ Remember my Green Folder?
• She did so much more than i can even write.

Kristine also put up with a lot of insane self-centeredness from me, that i cringe to remember looking back on it.

• like when she made me a beautiful collage and poem as a gift and i said "umm thanks for the dead leaves" Guess i thought i deserved better at the time. little did i really appreciate the compliments and heartfelt messages in the gift. It now hangs with a place of pride on my wall!
• Like listening to the constant play by play of the trials and tribulations in my life- i did try to be there for her, but unfortunately, i am afraid i took way more than i gave in this department!
• Like not setting me straight when i whined and pouted about her not being able to come to my graduation party- When her DAD was getting married that day!!!!!!
• She endured my constant matchmaking schemes involving her and every single nice guy that i/we knew...including the aforementioned last guy who broke my heart... if it didn't work out for me, why the heck did i think he'd be any less of a douche to her?
• i am certain there are more examples.

I have so many wonderful memories of the two school years i spent with Kristine as my one and only Girlfriend.

• The monkey jump. If you never saw it i cannot describe it! whenever Kristine was excited about something i was blessed to experience this- often combined with a big smile and a high pitched "REALLY?????"
• www.philjoel.com-- this one was a running joke. i would start a sentence with "Okay, so..." and right on target Kristine would join in with me "...i was on www.philjoel.com...." Yes...i had a problem....Hello my name is Maegan and i am a Phil-aholic- it's been ....at least a month since i last googled him.
• Matching overalls. well they were not actually matching....(hers were denim and mine were khaki) and it was never on purpose... but somehow we ALWAYS wore our overalls to school on the same day.
• Yelling JOHN EDDS! - John himself will have his own entry fairly soon on this blog, but i had to include this story. John was the pit captain in the band at school, and every home football game at halftime during John and my senior year Kris and i would yell at the top of our lungs "John Edds!!!!!" After the last game of the year, Kris said to me, ever so sweetly- "I am going to miss you next year- i won't have anyone to yell john edds with!" to which i responded- "well you won't have anyone to yell it AT either, Since he's Graduating too..."
• The BEST PROM EVER! another example of Kristine's super-coolness and my thinking the entire world revolved around me: Scott and i wanted John and his date to share a limo with us to senior Prom, so i asked John one morning if he had a date for Prom yet. he said he didn't. this allowed me to approach my other interest in asking this- i wanted my Girlfriend, who at the time was a Sophomore to be at my Prom. I very smoothly said "okay, then you should take Kristine!" He replied "she won't go with me!" Ever in control, i turned and called out "Hey Kris, would you go to Prom with John?" "Yeah!" was the answer. TA DA! Now all my favorite people were going to Prom together!
• The service auction- this one is just for Kris and me, because the set up takes too long. just know that she got in a heated competition with a mother of a little boy over some guitar lessons from a someone who was really not worth it...
• Kristine's way of scaring off guys: at dinner before prom, our waiter was a little flirtier than we would have liked, and so Kris decided to scare him off in a very creative way... dressed up in all her prom glamour, she picked up her knife, tilted her head and really concentrated on her knife- she looked like a cross between an mental patient and a serial killer- very Scary! the waiter could not be deterred though, and we both still got free desserts!
• Cranberry Ice eyeshadow- oh my, i just realized that it was Kristine who gave me my first Mary Kay Makeover! if only she knew what she was starting! BTW- i do have this product stockpiled for myself in case it ever gets discontinued!
• "WHERE IS JOHN????"- this was when john was like idunno, an hour and a half late showing up to take pictures before Prom, and i thought i was gonna kill him, but instead just gave him a big hug when he did finally show up!
• MARS- sorry...no explanation. Just know Kris, that once we got married, there was no more need for such a code... Silly Silly.
• My Birthday gift for Scott photo shoot. Kris made me feel and look like a million bucks.

• I have so many memories from those years, and i treasure them all, but the most amazing and wonderful gift and memory that we shared was prayer. almost every single day we met in prayer before school- sometimes with a ton of schoolmates, sometimes a few, sometimes just us. and that- more than anything else it what made our friendship strong.

Kris, you are a once- in a lifetime friend to me, and i love you more than i can say. i miss you so deeply, and i am praying that maybe once you have begun to settle into married life we can begin to rekindle a friendship that i never want to let go. You will always be the Diana Barry to my Anne Shirley. I LOVE YOU!

A big day

Father, today i ask for your blessing on Scott. he will very likely find out today whether or not he has gotten the job that he applied for and really wants. you know our hearts, and the desires within them. you know why and how badly we want for scott to get this job. father, i ask for peace for us both as we wait on you for the answer, and i ask that you will bless my husband with this job. Father, it would be such a help and encouragement to him, and would provide us with so much freedom in our time. Father, you know what is best adn i just ask today that you will bless us through this and give us your peace.

Losing myself

Father, today my mother made a good point. i need to lose my sense of everything being about me before i am ready to be a mother. i ask today that you start working in me to make me less self centered. please eradicate this disease of self pity that i find spreading inside me. please renew me with your joy every day.remind me to look for ways to bless others in my life and keep me form burdening everyone with my issues. i ask that you will help me to be productive each day and keep me from idleness. help me to keep my mind active and focused and not allow me to sit around feeling sorry for myself.Really help me to see opportunities to show others your love each and every day and help me to be so full of love and excitement for the thigs going on now that i won't give a thought to what is to come!

Prayer For my Man

Abba, thank you for this beautiful day and all you have planned for it. Thank you for waking me bright and early to serve Scott in a way that was meaningful to him by ironing his shirt. Thank you for blessing me with two wonderful moms who love me and encourage me to know you more! Today is a big day for Scott. Right now he is in a meeting to discuss a job promotion that could really be a big change for us. i ask that you will bless him with peace and confidence in this meeting. i ask that You will shine through in him and that he will be sure of what he wants and needs to say to present himself ad best he can. Father i ask that you will put it upon those who are deciding to give this job to Scott, and that they will give him the salary that he deserves. Father, i ask that you will use this to encourage Scott to continue to do his best to glorify you in his work and to show others he comes in contact with your love.Abba, you know all the reasons that we want him to get this job, and you know our hearts.i thank you for all you bless us with every day.

Positive?

Abba, i took a test. i think it came out positive. it was right after i was talking to you that i looked at it and saw the line. please let it be true. please help the baby to be healthy! please help our little one grow big and strong and prepare us to love him or her and teach her about you.father i also ask that You will fill me with your peace and help me to trust you in all things big and small! father right now i am afraid. part of me is afraid that i am not really pregnant, the other part is afraid i will lose this baby as well. please cast out this fear and fill it with your perfect peace. i love you abba!

Good To Know

Abba Father, I am so thankful for Your love and kindness towards me. i am thankful for all the times when i have worked myself into a tizzy about something and you have pulled me into your arms and reminded me that i don't have to be afraid or anxious. in times like this when so many things seem uncertain and unpredictable it's okay, because You know what's going on now and what will come of it!It's good to know that. It is good to know: * You love me more than i could ever imagine. * you know and have ordained all the events of my life * you have a plan to use my life to bring you glory and me good * you have already decided when our child will be conceived. * You know whether it will be a boy or girl. * You know the outcome of Scott applying for a new job. * You have the strength i don't. * You can heal all hurts * You understand and hear my heart's cries. *nothing is outside of what You can know and do! Thank You For Loving me and making me your child. Help me to now and always wait upon you and trust that all will happen in the way You want it to. Help me to hope in you without anxiety, and enable me to trust your promises. I cannot do this on my own. Please fill me with Your strength in all i do and all i attempt each day, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Make me a better wife, show me the best ways to love my husband. I want to glorify you and show him your love.Abba, i love You more than i can say. help me show you better.

Dance Dance Revolution!

I have been playing ddr for the past hour, and i have to say i still cannot bleive how time flies when playing that game! if any of you has an xbox or playstation- i would highly reccomend this game for any skill level. i love it, and i am really pretty bad at it! anyway, just a thought i wanted to put out there!

Learning patience

Seems like i have been learning patience forever, don't it? Yeah, i guess sometimes i can be a little thick-headed. Well , I have had a few moments over the past couple days that have felt a little discouraged, but fortunately God has helped me to not give into that feeling for too long. He keeps reminding me that my family and friends love me for me and that i am not less special to them because i have not had a baby yet.If you're reading this and you want to pray for me, ask God to give me an extra measure of his peace and comfort as well as patience as i work to get my physical strength back and seek Him more in waiting on and trusting Him to give us a baby. right now i am really motivated to get my workout back on track. i feel so yucky about my current fitness level and i want to get really strong and healthy so that when i am pregnant so many things will be easier, and it will be easier to bounce back after baby. i am gonna whip my butt literally into shape! with that..i am gonna sign off , eat lunch, and play some DDR!

Praise the lord!

God is so good, y'all. i went to the doctor last week, and while i did not get the news i hoped for- it was and still is- okay. i think through a number of people in my life as well as some intense prayer time, my Abba Father has pulled me close to Himself and helped me to really see a chance to love and trust Him for real. it is so hard to let go- and i won't lie- i cannot think of anything that would make me happier than a baby right now- but at the same time, i can wait. God blessed me with an amazing moment as my doctor entered the exam room last week. he put this prayer into my heart- "Father, i want to want for me what you want for me. please give me patience and help me trust you." those of you who know me and how badly i want to be a mother know that that is not me all on my own. that is God. So for now i am gonna focus on getting healthy spiritually, physically and emotionally. the physical part is requiring its own level of patience, but that's a story for another entry.

Easier Said than Done

This past weekend i saw a remarkable film called Facing The Giants. I went into the experience expecting the cheese factor and overly campy acting and plot of a typical Christian movie- and was more than pleasantly surprised. I would recommend this to everyone who can get their hands on it! One of the major story lines in this movie touched me personally and made me ask myself "Could i still love God if he did not give me my heart's desire?" it's a hard question. i want to say yes, after all, i got through losing the baby in October didn't i? well, not on my own. and it wasn't easy. But could i really hang on and keep on trucking if my desire for a child of my own blood never came to fruition? honestly...it would be so hard. i want with all my heart to be able to say yes, but i think to some degree i would be so angry- i would wonder why a loving God would allow me to become pregnant once and know about it and then never give me a child. But knowing as i do the beauty of adoption and the way God blessed me with it twice- from Himself and my earthly Daddy- how could i really question His plan. So today, Father, i say to You and to the world- As hard as it may be- I WILL LOVE YOU! But i also know that making that statement doesn't mean i am giving up hope-!it means i am laying it(probably Daily!) in God's able hands and trusting that He will give us His best. that is so much easier to write than actually do. If you are reading this... just pray for me. Letting Go of what i want most and trusting God is scary. and right now it is even scarier since i am already feeling like less of a person for being without a baby. AAAh! Heavenly Father, i cannot get through this without you! Thanks You for being there every step of the way!

...But it's so HARD!!!!

Abba, This morning i come to you dragging my feet a bit. I know what to do, but i am both afraid and too stubborn. i need to let go of my need- no- desire to control the situation of when i become a mother and trust that You have it all under control. i know that....but it's so hard! I need to trust that all things will work out for my good and your glory...but it's so hard! I need to cast all my cares upon you and trust that you will continue to care for me, just as you always have...but it's so hard! Father, my heart aches at the thought of my lost baby, at the knowledge that my niece or nephew is at the exact stage of development that my child would have been in,wondering how she is better than me that you are blessing her with a child and took mine away, at the thought of being reminded of my loss whenever i think of that other child. I am afraid, abba that i am worth less to my family, that those who can have children sooner will be loved more, and that i will be looked down upon for losing my baby. i know these are all silly selfish thoughts, and i ask forgiveness for even thinking them. i want to let them go, to never think or feel this way again... but it's so hard! Abba, i cannot deal with this on my own. i need you to come and heal my broken heart, to give me joy for every day, to remind me of your love, to give me strength to trust Your plan and to let go of my own. (man- is that hard to say!) Father, i guess that is the hardest part right now. the letting go seems dang near impossible. i guess i am afraid if i let go i will lose it.i am afraid that if i don't look out for my desire to be a mom, that nobody else will. i guess i am afraid that maybe I'm not supposed to have a baby, and the thought of that breaks my heart! But i know you have my best in mind. please, Father guide my steps and guard my heart and mind from damaging thoughts and feelings.Father, i once again ask you to give us a baby, but i also ask that in the time between now and then that you would prepare me, and help me to see how to become more like you. help me to be patient and trust you, since that is something i will definitely need as a mom! Abba, help me to not compare myself or my situation to others or be jealous. help me to know that Your plan is perfect, and give me joy and peace in that knowledge. Finally Abba, Thank you for a Mother who loves me enough to point me back to you. Bless her today. Amen.

not even sure what to call it

Father, today i feel oh so many things. some of them i am ashamed of- i should not be feeling them at all. i feel sad, because of the loss of our baby almost three months ago. i feel jealous that within days of when that baby was to be born, another will be, and that will be a painful reminder of what i have lost. i feel guilty for feeling this, knowing that i should rejoice with those who rejoice, but i cant seem to make myself. i am excited to have a niece or nephew, and i don't begrudge them their happiness, especially after they also experienced the loss that makes my heart ache every day. but at the same time, Abba, i want to scream and pound things because this just feels so unfair!!!! But You never promised Fair. You promised that all things would work out for my good. i know i am incredibly short sighted, but right now it all just hurts. i feel like all this baby stuff is too much. that it would just be easier to forget the whole thing and decide not to have children than to go through all of this pain and up and down, and hope and disappointment.

and then there is the other side of everything that i feel, yet am afraid to feel. i feel hopeful. i have a hope in me that even now i am pregnant. i have hope that as i type, unworthy of your blessings, in full light of my foolish jealousy, you are knitting together a beautiful child deep inside of me. but i am afraid to hope.i am afraid that if i do, my heart will be broken again, and i don't want that. Father, right now i want tow things, almost equally. i want to be healthy, physically, mentally, and emotionally. i want that so badly. and second, maybe even slightly more- i want to be a mother. Father, i ask this with my whole heart poured out at your feet- please bless us with a baby. if i am already pregnant, i ask that you will knit the little one together to be so strong that nothing can hurt it, and if not, Father, i ask that you take the pieces of Scott and i and create a new life from them, and i ask that you will begin this work now. Father, help me to trust you for what's best and help me to find comfort in you.

Wishing and wondering

I am starting to hope and wonder... if there is a new life inside of me. i have all of the symptoms i had before, and it has been long enough... Oh, my Father , take my heart and all its hopes and wonderings and wrap me in Your arms of love. Give me wisdom as to what course to pursue over the next days and weeks, help me to trust in You and Your perfect timing. i desire motherhood so deeply, Father, and i fear that another disappointment would be more than i could bear. Father, just guide and protect me and my tender heart, and help me to rely on You for strength and hope and Patience as we wait to see your will worked out.