there is no "because" in agape

Okay, so i am doing The Love Dare.(the story of how this came to be is a blog post i need to write and am just praying for the humility to do so!) So far it's been eye opening in some ways,and a good reminder in others. since i am praying for God to show me new things in our time together every day, i guess i shouldn't be too surprised to find that He is today helping me to look at His Agape love in a different way. This is a concept i've been taught on and been familiar with most of my life, but i think this is the first time i've really looked at it in these terms. i've always known it was unconditional, because God Himself is unconditional and eternal and perfect. i've known we can't earn it- a favorite quote from Peter Furler that i've heard him say dozens of times "There is nothing you can do to make God love you more, nothin you can do to make him love you less." i guess i never really thought about other implications of that fact. specifically that it has nothing to do with us or our attributes that He loves us and we are to love others this same way- not because of the things we love about them, because if those were to all change and fade away we'd be left with nothing to love about this person and particularly in marriage that's deadly. instead, we are to love as God loves- because we choose to. maybe you know all this, maybe it's a simple concept- as i type it seems like something that i should have gotten a long time ago, but somehow it seems so new- maybe i;ve never really applied it this way mentally- maybe because there are a million things i love about Scott i've never thought about them not existing. maybe because i;ve proved myself so unlovable over the past few years i am struck anew by the wonder of God;s unconditional love for me and the way he's displayed it through my husband. All i know is i am in wonder right now. i want to love this way. I want to love not because of what i can get from a relationship, but because i've chosen to. i want to give others what God has given me.

Father, today i am struck anew by the wonder of your unconditional love. You've lit a fire in me- a desire to love the people You've put in my life- even the hard to love ones- not because of who they are or what they give me but because of who You are and what You have given me. Father, please renew this in me daily. please let me not slide into old selfish ways of thinking about relationships, give me all i need to love like You do. let me glorify You through the way i love others.

Not the Mae Show...

Life is not the Mae Show. It's not about me. As much as my consciousness and my mind and everything about me wants to think it is, it isn't. This is The God show. My life exists to bring him glory. What does that mean for how i should live it? (BTW this is a concept i've been taught on and thought about to varying degrees my whole life- i'm not acting like it's something new or even new to me- i'm just trying to think about it in a new way. ) Clearly it means- for starters-that everything i do should reflect glory upon Him, and that i should be aware of my actions and how they look to others in that light. it also means that my life is incredibly finite-while God is so infinite-and every day counts in the short span that i have to bring Him glory. (i'm sorry if i am mildly incoherent- i was up way too late last night!) so, like the Bible says- i need to do everything excellently unto the glory of God. everything. i'm really gonna try to start thinking about that. how can i take a nap for God's glory? this might sound overkill but i'm gonna intentionally pray that the rest i get will equip me with more energy and focus to do everything that comes after more excellently. as far as i'm concerned, one can neither pray too much nor be too passionate about seeking to glorify God. :-) so, i guess that's my challenge for today-and every day really- to myself and to you. be more aware and conscious about living to glorify God with every moment you have, because they are so limited, and you don't know how many you have left.

Abba Father, wow. You are so infinite and i am so tiny and far from significant in comparison. take today, please, and let me glorify You in it. let every word i speak, every action i take pass through a filter of wanting to glorify You. help me to measure my words, my interactions with others, my choices of how i spend my time, all i do today- let it be to honor and glorify You. even my leisure, Father. today begin making the changes in my heart that need to happen so my life is more about You and less about me. thank you Father, for all that you are. Amen

I'm going to end my devotional time and this post with a song that is really touching my heart and life right now- it's not exactly on topic, but it's full of truth about the human condition, and is therefore always applicable. It was written and is sung here by a friend and Youth Group student of ours, Michael Taylor, in whom i am seeing God do amazing things. please watch it, and tell him if it touches your heart (on his youtube page). Have a fantastic day, Friends!

Doors Close, New Ones Open.

Things are a'changin. this change has been both comin for a long time and a long time in comin. to pinpoint where it started is both difficult and a little too personal for the internets at large. suffice it to say that 11.5 months ago, i reached a turning point. God took me firmly by both shoulders and said

Daughter, it;s time to stop being a silly, selfish little girl and become a woman- a woman who seeks something besides what makes her happy. it's time to let go of what you think are your rights but are really just the desires of your flesh and trust ME to give you what you need. I have given you this amazing husband, and you've allowed situations that could've been used to knit you together for MY glory to cause you to push him away and seek your own. Wake up. you have an opportunity to change from this self centered, attention seeking woman-child into someone who can use her mistakes and what she's learned from them to bring me glory like she's never imagined, and experience fullness she never dreamed of and Joy unspeakable.

A huge change was made at that point. i put my hand in the hand of my Father and began to walk by faith, and my life and my thinking changed dramatically. God started giving me opportunities to love people and serve Him in new ways, i got to meet people who have had the biggest effect on my life spiritually and finally thank them, and finally found a church family that truly wants to love me as i am and encourage me as i pursue God. Satan didn't like that.along the way, he became like a velociraptor in Jurassic Park- testing systematically the electric fence of my resolve for weakness, and sadly, he found them from time to time. i'd allow a fear or an insecurity to creep in and i'd start to fall back into my old patterns. i knew the change in my heart that had happened was real though, because i wouldn't be able to live the old way (even to a much smaller degree) for very long. Conscience would win out over the flesh and i'd go running from these things that tried to get their hooks in me. until the next time. a few days ago i woke up and decided i didn't want there to BE a next time. i'd made 2 huge mistakes when i'd turned from the old me last July- i hadn't closed all the doors. i;d turned from the monsters that my pet sins had become and i'd shut off most of the access routes, but like an alcoholic who saves a bottle in a secret place- never intending to drink from it, but "just in case" i'd not been honest enough, brave enough, or thorough enough to fully let go. the other mistake was not being humble and brave enough to share my struggle with my ministry leader, who happens to be Lisa Cole, my Pastor's wife and ask for her help and accountability. these two things have been rectified. i've been brutal with myself and shut down all possible touchpoints of temptation in existence, gone to Lisa, laid myself bare, strengthening a bond that i knew was gonna be vital to me from the moment i met her in December, (Seriously, Lisa- and your girls can tell you that i've gotten teary more than once talking to them about you!) and i've had conversations with Scott that make me feel like our marriage is stronger than it's ever been. i feel like closing the doors in a final way on the past and asking for help to keep them closed is finally opening doors to a new future and joy that i can't imagine. please keep me in your prayers, because i know that Satan is not gonna like this change and will do all he can to bring me down, so i need all the support i can get in this battle- at the same time please know i'm praying for you too- every day.

Response to Exodus 3:1-6

Father, You are holy and powerful beyond my small mind's ability to comprehend. i know that most days i dont really realize what that means. i'm reminded of the Newsboys lyric "great is Your faithfulness to carry on with a sinner like me..." WOW! that;s HUGE! I'm so broken and so unworthy of even your attention, let alone Your love and constant care for me. God i want to be more worthy. I want to be more faithful to You, to my husband, to the covenant i've made to live for You. Take my heart, my desires, make them glorify You. let all my interactions with others honor and glorify You and reflect your character. Forgive me for so long seeking to provide my own happiness and fulfillment in my relationships, and not trusting You to fulfill me through Your love and provision- using others but knowing that it all comes back to you. Keep a guard at my mouth, mind, and heart, that nothing unbecoming or dishonorable will come out of me. Abba, i want people to see me and see You- i want to have character that attracts people to You. Make me an example (as a wife, as a friend, as a sister, as a daughter) of Your holiness and love and the true joy that that comes from being Yours. Let this joy be attractive and contagious! I ask that Balticon in particular be an opportunity to live the change that you are making in me day by day. Help my attitude and actions reflect my commitment to You and to my husband. I ask Your blessing on the Fellowship i have with others who know You and for Your presence to guide my interactions with those who don't that You will be glorified through me. Help me to live Your love for others, Father. Amen

Where've i been?

well, that's a tough question to answer. over the past few years ive been to some incredible and terrible places physically and spiritually. a lot of it is really personal, and while i do my best to be open and honest and vulnerable on this blog, there is a line of discretion that i can't cross. that said, if you're someone i know and you'd like to hear where i've been and what God's done on a more detailed level, email me or comment and let me know and i'll get in touch with you. **** So, now i'm back and i'm gonna start using this blog again. i've got a number of blogs and i am working to keep up with them all better. i;ve got this one, a fitness blog over at BuffRDQ, my travel blog from last summer, which i need to complete, my journey to becoming a Roller Derby Queen, and this one, which i guess covers everything else that i havent used in ages! so, yeah, i am a blog addict. This one though, is the most important to me though. it chronicles my spiritual journey, and for those who follow it, shows them how to pray for me and maybe- i hope and pray- can encourage people through storms and struggles. so, yeah. i'm back.

Time To SHINE

Hi. If you’re reading this, you’re one of my balcony people. See, with all that;s happened in the past few months, I’ve really had to step back and evaluate who in my life is *really* a friend. (I think I;ve defined “friend” too loosely in the past but that;s another blog post)Theere are two types of people in life: Balcony people who want to pull you up and build you up and support you in becoming the best you can be, and basement people, who pull you down, pull the floor from under you, or just don’t care if you fall. You are one of the few people I consider a top tier balcony person. (there are less than a dozen of you being asked to read this.) you know me, my flaws and even my mistakes and you’ve chosen to love me anyway and even invested yourself in my growth. Thank you and I love you.

Some of you know how powerful music is to me, and how I often express myself through song lyrics. The other day I had the iPod on shuffle, and a song I’d heard before and thought was nice suddenly became a tear jerking wakeup call to me: I heard you talking to me through this song and I became overwhelmed.

Oh the night makes you a star/And it holds you cold in its arms You`re the one to whom nobody verses I love you /Unless you say it first So you lie there holding your breath /And its strange how soon you forget That you`re like stars /They only show up when it`s dark Cause they don`t know their worth

And I think you need to stop following misery`s lead Shine away shine away shine away Isn`t it time you got over how fragile you are We`re all waiting Waiting on your supernova Cause that`s who you are And you`ve only begun to shine

There are times when the poets and pornstars align and /You won`t know who to believe in Well that`s a good time to be leavin` And the past knocks on your door /And throws stones at your window at 4 in the morning Well maybe he thinks it`s romantic /He`s crazy but you knew that before

And I think you need to stop following misery`s lead Shine away Shine away Shine away Isn`t it time you got over how fragile you are We`re all waiting Waiting on your supernova Cause that`s who you are And you`ve only begun to shine

Yeah you`ve only begun to shine Won`t you shine shine shine shine over shadow Shine shine shine shine over shadow Shine shine shine shine over

And I think you need to stop following misery`s lead Shine away Shine away Shine away Isn`t it time you got over how fragile you are We`re all waiting Waiting on your supernova Cause that`s who you are And you`ve only begun to shine

Yeah you`ve only begun to shine Yeah you`ve only begun to shine Yeah you`ve only begun to shine

~Anna Nalick, "Shine"

Each of you, in your own way has sung me this song. Some of you have simply been there to listen, encourage, embrace, and offer prayer for me, and that means the world. Kindness and being embraced in spite of my flaws is profound to me. Thank you. Through that you’ve shown your desire to see me shine and belief that I will.

Some of you have settled down right in the foxhole with me. Some of your love has been tough loveand the chorus of this song seems to be coming right from your lips.

One of you saw me bogged down in insecurity and comparing myself to others, and through this keeping myself from shining as I could. You helped me realize that I have my won brand of awesome and that people want to see that, and that I have great potential and am loveable. You help me be comfortable in my own skin.

Another of you saw me mourning a loss long past and diminishing my ability to shine through allowing it to steal my joy. You’ve never shied from telling me what you think and that includes that it’s time to move forward. You;ve encouraged and challenged me over and over again and let me know when you have seen me shining and thanked me for the times I’ve been there for you.

Yet another of you saw me wallowing in self pity and doing it publically. When nobody else was brave enough to tell me I was shooting myself in the foot with this, you did. You speak the truth to me lovingly, because you want to see me shine- you counter every criticism with encouragement and hope and reassurance of the shiny you see in me.

And you- you had to make a hard choice, and you knew it hurt me, though it wanst meant to. You sat with me for hours and talked it out. you said something to me that I could not have fathomed how much it would mean “Mae, I have not given up on you.” You;ve always been one of my biggest fans and cheerleaders, and have helped me see potential for greatness in myself that I hadn’t dreamed possible.

You, my friend and my brother have allowed me to be there for you- to share in you hurts and your joys. You;ve treated me like an equal and never condemned me. Your faith in me and my ability to be something great has always been unspoken but there.

You’re a sister and a friend to me. You were the first person to know my biggest failure and you didn’t judge. You’ve called me out for avoiding you because I knew you’d give me the tough love I deserve at times. You know the ways I struggle and you’re always there for support and encouragement.

Thank you-all of you- for the ways you;ve helped me and been friends to me on more than just a casual level.

Finally- “Isn’t it it time…?” Yes. Yes it is. I told someone recently that insecure Mae is dying. I am awesome and if people don’t see it- screw ‘em. I’m ready to “stop following misery’s lead… Shine away Shine away Shine AWAAAAY!” So, thank you, and please keep givin the tough love, and the nice kind too :-) I’m thankful beyond words for you and you know I’m here to support you anytime you need me.

feelings

i feel a lot. sometimes i like that about myself but sometimes it' a big pain. i am often very perceptive, and on the occasions i am wrong i tend to hurt myself pretty badly by assuming things about others that are not true. latelyi have been consumed with this need to be loved and wanted and not forgotten by someone close to me, and while i thought i had it licked, it's eating away at me agian. i feel like i am just a space saver which is ridiculous . i worry way more than i need to. so yeah. i feel way too much.

balloons

wow. i've just had an epiphany. People are not balloons. but sometimes i treat those closest to me like they are. i try to tie them down or hold onto them for dear life in order to keep them from flying away. this results in smothering and people can be like balloons in that they might pop if ya squeeze them too tight. but really. people are not balloons. lately i am struggling pretty hard with this concept. i know that all change is felt as loss and that doesn;t mean i'm actually losing anything. my best friend has met a guy (through me- at my encouragement cuz he's awesome) that she;s nuts about. that in itself is great and awesome and wonderful thing and makes me happy for her. i love seeing her happy. at the same time though i fear abandonment. i have no reason to fear this, because she's told me over and over that nothing is going to change. i believe her, though it;s taken me a long time to get even that far. trouble is the fear won't go away. it;s easing some, but i still feel really uneasy. this has been a struggle for me over and over in life and it;s a matter of trusting people to love me like they say they do and even more a matter of Trusting God to give me the best that He has for me. Father, please forgive me for my selfish and self centeredness lately. i'm really struffling to let go of my need to control situations especially the one surrounding my friendship with J. i loe her so much and am so glad she has found someone to make her happy, for however long it lasts. at the same time though i am struggling with this fear of being replaced or losing our closeness. she;s told me over and over that nothing is changing between us and that she loves me. please help me to believe this, help me to trust her and trust you. help me to enjoy and appreciate the special times she and i do share and to be patient as all this newness settles into normalcy. Father, remove this fear and replace it with joy and peace. i cannot do this on my own. i am so weak and shatter easily. please fill me with peace and joy and love. i long for that, i am hungry for it. I Can't Do This. (Plumb) I woke up late./ Guess I'm never really early./ I hesitate,/ Only to fail/. I get so tired/ Of procrastinating./ I need a change.// I can't do this./ I can't do this/ I can't do this by myself./ I can't do this./ I can't do this./ Oh God, I need your help.// I'm standing still,/ Moved so peaceful/. I can't pretend/ That I'm fine./ I get so ill,/ Crazy, agitated/ When I'm not really dying.// I can't do this./ I can't do this./ I can't do this by myself./ I can't do this./ I can't do this./ Oh God, I need your help.// Press into me. (Press into me.)/ Breathe the air. (Breathe the air.)/ Bask in me. (Bask in me.)/ You'll be free/ To do anything.// I can't do this./ I can't do this./ I can't do this by myself./ I can't do this./ I can't do this./ Oh God, I need your help./ I can't do this./ I can't do this./ I can't do this by myself./ I can't do this./ I can't do this./ Oh God, I need your help.//