feelings

i feel a lot. sometimes i like that about myself but sometimes it' a big pain. i am often very perceptive, and on the occasions i am wrong i tend to hurt myself pretty badly by assuming things about others that are not true. latelyi have been consumed with this need to be loved and wanted and not forgotten by someone close to me, and while i thought i had it licked, it's eating away at me agian. i feel like i am just a space saver which is ridiculous . i worry way more than i need to. so yeah. i feel way too much.

balloons

wow. i've just had an epiphany. People are not balloons. but sometimes i treat those closest to me like they are. i try to tie them down or hold onto them for dear life in order to keep them from flying away. this results in smothering and people can be like balloons in that they might pop if ya squeeze them too tight. but really. people are not balloons. lately i am struggling pretty hard with this concept. i know that all change is felt as loss and that doesn;t mean i'm actually losing anything. my best friend has met a guy (through me- at my encouragement cuz he's awesome) that she;s nuts about. that in itself is great and awesome and wonderful thing and makes me happy for her. i love seeing her happy. at the same time though i fear abandonment. i have no reason to fear this, because she's told me over and over that nothing is going to change. i believe her, though it;s taken me a long time to get even that far. trouble is the fear won't go away. it;s easing some, but i still feel really uneasy. this has been a struggle for me over and over in life and it;s a matter of trusting people to love me like they say they do and even more a matter of Trusting God to give me the best that He has for me. Father, please forgive me for my selfish and self centeredness lately. i'm really struffling to let go of my need to control situations especially the one surrounding my friendship with J. i loe her so much and am so glad she has found someone to make her happy, for however long it lasts. at the same time though i am struggling with this fear of being replaced or losing our closeness. she;s told me over and over that nothing is changing between us and that she loves me. please help me to believe this, help me to trust her and trust you. help me to enjoy and appreciate the special times she and i do share and to be patient as all this newness settles into normalcy. Father, remove this fear and replace it with joy and peace. i cannot do this on my own. i am so weak and shatter easily. please fill me with peace and joy and love. i long for that, i am hungry for it. I Can't Do This. (Plumb) I woke up late./ Guess I'm never really early./ I hesitate,/ Only to fail/. I get so tired/ Of procrastinating./ I need a change.// I can't do this./ I can't do this/ I can't do this by myself./ I can't do this./ I can't do this./ Oh God, I need your help.// I'm standing still,/ Moved so peaceful/. I can't pretend/ That I'm fine./ I get so ill,/ Crazy, agitated/ When I'm not really dying.// I can't do this./ I can't do this./ I can't do this by myself./ I can't do this./ I can't do this./ Oh God, I need your help.// Press into me. (Press into me.)/ Breathe the air. (Breathe the air.)/ Bask in me. (Bask in me.)/ You'll be free/ To do anything.// I can't do this./ I can't do this./ I can't do this by myself./ I can't do this./ I can't do this./ Oh God, I need your help./ I can't do this./ I can't do this./ I can't do this by myself./ I can't do this./ I can't do this./ Oh God, I need your help.//