Doors Close, New Ones Open.

Things are a'changin. this change has been both comin for a long time and a long time in comin. to pinpoint where it started is both difficult and a little too personal for the internets at large. suffice it to say that 11.5 months ago, i reached a turning point. God took me firmly by both shoulders and said

Daughter, it;s time to stop being a silly, selfish little girl and become a woman- a woman who seeks something besides what makes her happy. it's time to let go of what you think are your rights but are really just the desires of your flesh and trust ME to give you what you need. I have given you this amazing husband, and you've allowed situations that could've been used to knit you together for MY glory to cause you to push him away and seek your own. Wake up. you have an opportunity to change from this self centered, attention seeking woman-child into someone who can use her mistakes and what she's learned from them to bring me glory like she's never imagined, and experience fullness she never dreamed of and Joy unspeakable.

A huge change was made at that point. i put my hand in the hand of my Father and began to walk by faith, and my life and my thinking changed dramatically. God started giving me opportunities to love people and serve Him in new ways, i got to meet people who have had the biggest effect on my life spiritually and finally thank them, and finally found a church family that truly wants to love me as i am and encourage me as i pursue God. Satan didn't like that.along the way, he became like a velociraptor in Jurassic Park- testing systematically the electric fence of my resolve for weakness, and sadly, he found them from time to time. i'd allow a fear or an insecurity to creep in and i'd start to fall back into my old patterns. i knew the change in my heart that had happened was real though, because i wouldn't be able to live the old way (even to a much smaller degree) for very long. Conscience would win out over the flesh and i'd go running from these things that tried to get their hooks in me. until the next time. a few days ago i woke up and decided i didn't want there to BE a next time. i'd made 2 huge mistakes when i'd turned from the old me last July- i hadn't closed all the doors. i;d turned from the monsters that my pet sins had become and i'd shut off most of the access routes, but like an alcoholic who saves a bottle in a secret place- never intending to drink from it, but "just in case" i'd not been honest enough, brave enough, or thorough enough to fully let go. the other mistake was not being humble and brave enough to share my struggle with my ministry leader, who happens to be Lisa Cole, my Pastor's wife and ask for her help and accountability. these two things have been rectified. i've been brutal with myself and shut down all possible touchpoints of temptation in existence, gone to Lisa, laid myself bare, strengthening a bond that i knew was gonna be vital to me from the moment i met her in December, (Seriously, Lisa- and your girls can tell you that i've gotten teary more than once talking to them about you!) and i've had conversations with Scott that make me feel like our marriage is stronger than it's ever been. i feel like closing the doors in a final way on the past and asking for help to keep them closed is finally opening doors to a new future and joy that i can't imagine. please keep me in your prayers, because i know that Satan is not gonna like this change and will do all he can to bring me down, so i need all the support i can get in this battle- at the same time please know i'm praying for you too- every day.