feelings

i feel a lot. sometimes i like that about myself but sometimes it' a big pain. i am often very perceptive, and on the occasions i am wrong i tend to hurt myself pretty badly by assuming things about others that are not true. latelyi have been consumed with this need to be loved and wanted and not forgotten by someone close to me, and while i thought i had it licked, it's eating away at me agian. i feel like i am just a space saver which is ridiculous . i worry way more than i need to. so yeah. i feel way too much.

balloons

wow. i've just had an epiphany. People are not balloons. but sometimes i treat those closest to me like they are. i try to tie them down or hold onto them for dear life in order to keep them from flying away. this results in smothering and people can be like balloons in that they might pop if ya squeeze them too tight. but really. people are not balloons. lately i am struggling pretty hard with this concept. i know that all change is felt as loss and that doesn;t mean i'm actually losing anything. my best friend has met a guy (through me- at my encouragement cuz he's awesome) that she;s nuts about. that in itself is great and awesome and wonderful thing and makes me happy for her. i love seeing her happy. at the same time though i fear abandonment. i have no reason to fear this, because she's told me over and over that nothing is going to change. i believe her, though it;s taken me a long time to get even that far. trouble is the fear won't go away. it;s easing some, but i still feel really uneasy. this has been a struggle for me over and over in life and it;s a matter of trusting people to love me like they say they do and even more a matter of Trusting God to give me the best that He has for me. Father, please forgive me for my selfish and self centeredness lately. i'm really struffling to let go of my need to control situations especially the one surrounding my friendship with J. i loe her so much and am so glad she has found someone to make her happy, for however long it lasts. at the same time though i am struggling with this fear of being replaced or losing our closeness. she;s told me over and over that nothing is changing between us and that she loves me. please help me to believe this, help me to trust her and trust you. help me to enjoy and appreciate the special times she and i do share and to be patient as all this newness settles into normalcy. Father, remove this fear and replace it with joy and peace. i cannot do this on my own. i am so weak and shatter easily. please fill me with peace and joy and love. i long for that, i am hungry for it. I Can't Do This. (Plumb) I woke up late./ Guess I'm never really early./ I hesitate,/ Only to fail/. I get so tired/ Of procrastinating./ I need a change.// I can't do this./ I can't do this/ I can't do this by myself./ I can't do this./ I can't do this./ Oh God, I need your help.// I'm standing still,/ Moved so peaceful/. I can't pretend/ That I'm fine./ I get so ill,/ Crazy, agitated/ When I'm not really dying.// I can't do this./ I can't do this./ I can't do this by myself./ I can't do this./ I can't do this./ Oh God, I need your help.// Press into me. (Press into me.)/ Breathe the air. (Breathe the air.)/ Bask in me. (Bask in me.)/ You'll be free/ To do anything.// I can't do this./ I can't do this./ I can't do this by myself./ I can't do this./ I can't do this./ Oh God, I need your help./ I can't do this./ I can't do this./ I can't do this by myself./ I can't do this./ I can't do this./ Oh God, I need your help.//

Loneliness.

Seems like a constant struggle for me. I was an only child for most of my childhood. I don't think it registered as much then as loneliness, because it just was what it was. My mom worked, and i didn't see much of her when i was little, but that was normal to me. i was perfectly content to sit in my room and play by myself or read for hours. No, it wasn't till i had more people around that i began to feel lonely. seems strange, right, that once my family went from 2 to 3 to 6 people i became lonely. maybe because by the time i was not an only child i was reaching a point in my development that was going to make me feel alien anyway. maybe it was because it was right about then that the kids got meaner and meaner. My brother was born right after we made the biggest move i could remember, at the most awkward stage of my development, to a place where the kids were meaner than any i have ever known...i think THEN is when i became lonely. The sense of not mattering, not belonging, even at home was excruciating (add to all this the fact that i was not of the same biological parentage as my three younger siblings, and so had that feeling of alienation as well), and having to start over with no friends made it SO depressing. That summer my faith which had up till then been something i did- not really something personal and deep became so real to me it was unbelievable, and became my identity. Because of my lack of maturity in this time of being passionate about my faith, i may have done myself more harm than good by constantly shoving it down everyone;s throats. So- though i had my Jesus, i was still lonely. i never had that many friends while we lived in RI, and though i longed for popularity, i loved the friends i had. but i was still lonely because i felt like nobody really wanted me, nobody really understood. Then we moved to Va Beach. this transition was much easier for many reasons, but the loneliness remained. it was that summer though when God began to really teach me how to gain fulfillment and replace that loneliness with Him. As i began to learn how to truly live for him, one of the best and least lonely times in my life began. i made many many friends, most of whom were learning and living just like i was- aflame and consumed by Jesus and loving Him. instead of my faith being what divided me from people as it had before, it was what united me to them, what made us a family. Things at home were alternately better and worse, as God began a process of taking apart and healing that continues even now in my family, but i wasn't alone because i had my community to support me. One part of this community was a boy I'd never expected to matter much to me. he wasn't the type i thought i could really be close to. Little did i know that what put me off about him was only a wall protecting the most wonderful and tender heart i;d ever know. As my relationship with Scott grew, my loneliness faded completely. yeah, i missed him a ton because we saw so little of one another, but i always knew he was there, always knew he was praying for me and cared about me. Fast forward a few years. We are married, i am the housewife i always wanted to be. but i am getting lonely again. this is partly because i am so social and being home alone all day saps me out emotionally, so we get 2 cats. this helps a ton, but Cats are not people, so i still get a lil melancholy when Scott is gonna be gone longer than the usual 11 hour in a day. But thankfully that other, painful loneliness never returned. know why? because i am never truly alone. i never was, but through all my struggles (most too personal even to mention here) i have learned to truly know God's presence. whether i can feel it at a given moment is not important. i know He's there- no matter how alone my flesh wants me to believe i am. I need to be reminded of this now, as i prepare to say goodbye to my cats. Seems such a silly thing, but i am going to miss them badly. Abba~ help me fight the lies when i feel alone. Draw me close to you and to my husband and friends. heal my hurts and fill me with your love to give to others each day. Thank you for being my Father, my friend, and the lover of my soul.

Becoming

That's the word. it's what i want to be. it's what i am. The first meaning of the word Becoming is something that often consumes me- the desire for it anyway. The idea of being physically attractive, as in "that young lady is very becoming..." it's so easy to get dragged down by this feeling that i am failing to meet some- often unreasonable- physical standard of outer beauty put upon me by my culture- and more importantly- myself. What i should be focusing much of that energy into is the other kind of Becoming- the verb. The process of change- change into the woman God wants me to be.this can include change in the physical realm- i do need to be healthier and take better care of my body- but not at the expense of change in my heart, my mind and the way i spend my time. these are the main things i truly need to BECOME:

• more faithful- i need to spend more time- or spend time more often with my heavenly Father seeking to become the woman he has created me to be.

• More selfless- i need to look out for the needs of others more- particularly those of my husband.

• more focused- to take care of the needs of the household and myself before having fun- and not allowing myself to become sidetracked.time wasting is a huge issue.

these three things tie together in the way i spend my time. as a housewife, it is easy to just let the day go by, whether i am watching television, reading blogs, talking on an IM client.... these things are not bad uses of time in and of themselves, but spending my whole day at them is really not profitable. my life is beginning to fill with social outlets, activities, moving plans, etc., and i cannot allow myself to just let these days pass. purpose is of the essence and the only way to live without regret. today is Monday, the beginning of a new week, one in which i am determined to start anew and make the most of every moment. Abba Father~ you are truly amazing. you woke me earlier even than I'd planned. You drew me to this desire for purpose- to become more. Thank you for this. thanks for all You bless me with every day, family, friends, LIFE! today i ask special blessings on Scott as he goes to work. he's really not feeling well, and i ask that you'll heal him and enable him to do the best he can at his job. i ask that you will keep him from any temptations, that you will give him a sense of your presence and that he will be a light for you to those he meets in just his interactions. i pray for those i know whose marriages have recently ended, that you'll really show them a sense of your presence in their lives, give them wisdom, strength, and the knowledge of your love. for those whose marriages are struggling, i ask for healing, for a closer- or new found- walk with you, and perseverance. for all other marriages i ask blessings of continued strength, continued growth and a relationship with you. i ask for healing for all that are ill right now. Father, there are so many things people are struggling with that i don't even know. please bless them and hold them all in your hands. for myself, Abba, i ask the strength of body, mind, and will to be productive today. help me to manage my time in a way that allows me to get the most done while i recover from illness and prepare to move. let me be a source of your light to others in how i love them today. please use me to glorify yourself. Amen.

Something to Sing About.

Father, i've been a rollercoaster lately. by lately i mean the past couple years. a lot of it has been due to lack of time spent with you. some of it is not taking care of myself physically. i have been inconsistent. But You have not. You have been completely constant and faithful to provide for me everything i need and so many things i have wanted. Thank You, Abba. The past month especially has been incredible, with Scott's promotion, a new home to move to, lots of time with friends, You have blessed us beyond Belief! I am really looking forward to finding a new Church family to join and be part of soon, and i thank You for what You have healed in my heart to make that happen. Lots to do today. please help me to get the house in some kind of shape by the time Viv gets here. also, please let my hair not be a total disaster... For all my friends who are going through the end of a marriage right now i ask for wisdom, Healing, strength and a strong sense fo Your presence with them. For those whose marriages are struggling i ask for renewal, for healing between them and that you'll draw them closer to You through this difficult time. For my own and all other marriages i ask for blessings, for patience, for selflessness and understanding. Father, sometimes it;s difficult to be patient when we sense a prodding from you to do something specific and for reasons human or unknown it doesn;t go how we think it should. for those times i ask for patience, both with the people who seem to be in our way and with the situations in general. i ask that especially in these times you'll show us what you want us to do, and really give us a sense that You are with us. i ask for health blessings on everyone i know and love, especially my husband and my Sigler. please heal any hurts or illnesses and make them strong. My heart cries out to you for some people i know who do not know you and are really living in a way that is self destructive. help me to love them, help me to embrace and accept them, but not to condone these self-destructive behaviors. Help me to be faithful in praying for them and being a friend. Thnak You for all the opportunities You;ve put in front of me, and for showing Yourself to me in so many new ways all the time. i love you, abba!