Loneliness.

Seems like a constant struggle for me. I was an only child for most of my childhood. I don't think it registered as much then as loneliness, because it just was what it was. My mom worked, and i didn't see much of her when i was little, but that was normal to me. i was perfectly content to sit in my room and play by myself or read for hours. No, it wasn't till i had more people around that i began to feel lonely. seems strange, right, that once my family went from 2 to 3 to 6 people i became lonely. maybe because by the time i was not an only child i was reaching a point in my development that was going to make me feel alien anyway. maybe it was because it was right about then that the kids got meaner and meaner. My brother was born right after we made the biggest move i could remember, at the most awkward stage of my development, to a place where the kids were meaner than any i have ever known...i think THEN is when i became lonely. The sense of not mattering, not belonging, even at home was excruciating (add to all this the fact that i was not of the same biological parentage as my three younger siblings, and so had that feeling of alienation as well), and having to start over with no friends made it SO depressing. That summer my faith which had up till then been something i did- not really something personal and deep became so real to me it was unbelievable, and became my identity. Because of my lack of maturity in this time of being passionate about my faith, i may have done myself more harm than good by constantly shoving it down everyone;s throats. So- though i had my Jesus, i was still lonely. i never had that many friends while we lived in RI, and though i longed for popularity, i loved the friends i had. but i was still lonely because i felt like nobody really wanted me, nobody really understood. Then we moved to Va Beach. this transition was much easier for many reasons, but the loneliness remained. it was that summer though when God began to really teach me how to gain fulfillment and replace that loneliness with Him. As i began to learn how to truly live for him, one of the best and least lonely times in my life began. i made many many friends, most of whom were learning and living just like i was- aflame and consumed by Jesus and loving Him. instead of my faith being what divided me from people as it had before, it was what united me to them, what made us a family. Things at home were alternately better and worse, as God began a process of taking apart and healing that continues even now in my family, but i wasn't alone because i had my community to support me. One part of this community was a boy I'd never expected to matter much to me. he wasn't the type i thought i could really be close to. Little did i know that what put me off about him was only a wall protecting the most wonderful and tender heart i;d ever know. As my relationship with Scott grew, my loneliness faded completely. yeah, i missed him a ton because we saw so little of one another, but i always knew he was there, always knew he was praying for me and cared about me. Fast forward a few years. We are married, i am the housewife i always wanted to be. but i am getting lonely again. this is partly because i am so social and being home alone all day saps me out emotionally, so we get 2 cats. this helps a ton, but Cats are not people, so i still get a lil melancholy when Scott is gonna be gone longer than the usual 11 hour in a day. But thankfully that other, painful loneliness never returned. know why? because i am never truly alone. i never was, but through all my struggles (most too personal even to mention here) i have learned to truly know God's presence. whether i can feel it at a given moment is not important. i know He's there- no matter how alone my flesh wants me to believe i am. I need to be reminded of this now, as i prepare to say goodbye to my cats. Seems such a silly thing, but i am going to miss them badly. Abba~ help me fight the lies when i feel alone. Draw me close to you and to my husband and friends. heal my hurts and fill me with your love to give to others each day. Thank you for being my Father, my friend, and the lover of my soul.