not even sure what to call it

Father, today i feel oh so many things. some of them i am ashamed of- i should not be feeling them at all. i feel sad, because of the loss of our baby almost three months ago. i feel jealous that within days of when that baby was to be born, another will be, and that will be a painful reminder of what i have lost. i feel guilty for feeling this, knowing that i should rejoice with those who rejoice, but i cant seem to make myself. i am excited to have a niece or nephew, and i don't begrudge them their happiness, especially after they also experienced the loss that makes my heart ache every day. but at the same time, Abba, i want to scream and pound things because this just feels so unfair!!!! But You never promised Fair. You promised that all things would work out for my good. i know i am incredibly short sighted, but right now it all just hurts. i feel like all this baby stuff is too much. that it would just be easier to forget the whole thing and decide not to have children than to go through all of this pain and up and down, and hope and disappointment.

and then there is the other side of everything that i feel, yet am afraid to feel. i feel hopeful. i have a hope in me that even now i am pregnant. i have hope that as i type, unworthy of your blessings, in full light of my foolish jealousy, you are knitting together a beautiful child deep inside of me. but i am afraid to hope.i am afraid that if i do, my heart will be broken again, and i don't want that. Father, right now i want tow things, almost equally. i want to be healthy, physically, mentally, and emotionally. i want that so badly. and second, maybe even slightly more- i want to be a mother. Father, i ask this with my whole heart poured out at your feet- please bless us with a baby. if i am already pregnant, i ask that you will knit the little one together to be so strong that nothing can hurt it, and if not, Father, i ask that you take the pieces of Scott and i and create a new life from them, and i ask that you will begin this work now. Father, help me to trust you for what's best and help me to find comfort in you.