...But it's so HARD!!!!

Abba, This morning i come to you dragging my feet a bit. I know what to do, but i am both afraid and too stubborn. i need to let go of my need- no- desire to control the situation of when i become a mother and trust that You have it all under control. i know that....but it's so hard! I need to trust that all things will work out for my good and your glory...but it's so hard! I need to cast all my cares upon you and trust that you will continue to care for me, just as you always have...but it's so hard! Father, my heart aches at the thought of my lost baby, at the knowledge that my niece or nephew is at the exact stage of development that my child would have been in,wondering how she is better than me that you are blessing her with a child and took mine away, at the thought of being reminded of my loss whenever i think of that other child. I am afraid, abba that i am worth less to my family, that those who can have children sooner will be loved more, and that i will be looked down upon for losing my baby. i know these are all silly selfish thoughts, and i ask forgiveness for even thinking them. i want to let them go, to never think or feel this way again... but it's so hard! Abba, i cannot deal with this on my own. i need you to come and heal my broken heart, to give me joy for every day, to remind me of your love, to give me strength to trust Your plan and to let go of my own. (man- is that hard to say!) Father, i guess that is the hardest part right now. the letting go seems dang near impossible. i guess i am afraid if i let go i will lose it.i am afraid that if i don't look out for my desire to be a mom, that nobody else will. i guess i am afraid that maybe I'm not supposed to have a baby, and the thought of that breaks my heart! But i know you have my best in mind. please, Father guide my steps and guard my heart and mind from damaging thoughts and feelings.Father, i once again ask you to give us a baby, but i also ask that in the time between now and then that you would prepare me, and help me to see how to become more like you. help me to be patient and trust you, since that is something i will definitely need as a mom! Abba, help me to not compare myself or my situation to others or be jealous. help me to know that Your plan is perfect, and give me joy and peace in that knowledge. Finally Abba, Thank you for a Mother who loves me enough to point me back to you. Bless her today. Amen.