wondering...

Father, Help me during this time where i am not totally sure of what is going on. Help me to trust in You that You will give me the desires of my heart. Right now i feel like i know something has happenned, but is that just wishful thinking? Father, You know me inside out- You know how strong this desire for motherhood is within me- please give me the awesome opportunity to be a mom! help me to take care of myself and be surew i am eating a nd exercising enough. Thanks, Abba, for loving me even when i am insane...

Unfounded fears

i think unfounded fear is worse than false hope. Sometimes, if i let my mind go there, it will start trying to convince me that not only am i not going to become pregnant this month, it won't happen next month or any following month either...This fear that as strong as this desire to become a mother is- it is not gonna happen. i hate it cuz i know it is not from God, who i know has placed this on my heart and completely transformed my mind and gotten rid of a lot of selfishness in me. Stuff that really i would never have been willing to let go on my own. Also, so much is going so well right now, it just seems like God is pulling it all together. So why do i worry? Well it is not constant, just a little piercing thought that works its way in once in a while, and if i allow it to grows into something much worse. Abba, protect my mind and heart from this fear. Fill me with Your peace, that You do not start something and not follow through. You have always given me the best, and help me not to doubt what You have done and are doing in me right now. Please fill me with peace and hope, and knit together in my womb a beautiful child that we can raise to love You and do Your work.

Myths

They say that "Women Know" when they are with child. I wonder about that. Do they only know when it is unplanned? Do they only know when it is an "inconvenience"? Cuz i would like to "know" in this "womanly" way. I mean, lately i sometimes think i know~ but it that just because i want it so bad? Is my mind playing a trick on me? Sometimes(most of the time) i have no idea what is going on inside me- but i am sure something is. is it just indigestion? Or am i ovulating (sorry to be all clinical!) or is my body adjusting to a new life that is just beginning inside of me. Honestly i have listed these possibilities in ascending order of what i want it to be. Father God~ i ask you to do a miraculous work inside my body over the next days. Take part of me and part of my husband, and knit them together to create a beautiful new life inside of me. Father' i want os badly to become a mother, and i know You have placed this desire in me- please continue what You have begun in my heart and in my body. You know my heart and you know my mind and you know how Satan tries to make me doubt You , doubt myself, doubt the work you have done and are doing in me, and i ask You to help me banish these thoughts from my mind! Abba, i ask you for this child so that i can continue to grow in what you have created me to do with this life You have given me, and so that Scott and i can have a glimpse of the love You have for us through our love for our baby. Thank you, Father for giving all this to me and for making me your child. I love you So much!

To be content...

...Something that i feel like most of the time comes rather easy for me. i am learning, however that even the rare times when i find myself feeling really disgruntled with life are not ok- maybe natural- but not ok. God is bigger than anything i feel- and HE can make me content. At the same time- contentment is not being ok with the things in my life that are wrong. i should not be content with having a bad attitude toward washing the dishes. it would not be acceptable to notice a sin problem in my life and just be ok with that being part of who i am. I should be motivated to improve the things i can improve- to make my house a house of peace- to be a blessing to my husband and willing to let go of the things i cannot change- like any fault i find in my husband. (Which is a rare thing...But does happen...We are both human) I love the Serenity Prayer. it fits perfectly into this topic: God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen That is only the beginning of the prayer, but it is the part that touches me most deeply. i feel like, as i prepare for motherhood, i should be preparing my heart as well as my mind for what will be the most challenging and rewarding years of my life- the years of raising a child, when i will truly have to learn to die to self- give up what I want and live for God and choose what is most glorifying to Him.

Tis Better to have loved and lost...

Over the past month or so two of the most beautiful and special people i have met have come into and are about to walk out of my life- probably forever. Their names are Anthony and Andraya. Anthony is almost five and incredibly sweet. he has an incredible imagination and a smile that is so infectious i cannot think of him without grinning broadly. He is one of those children who just finds his way into your heart and you are sure he will never leave. His sister, Andraya, about to turn four, is everything i love in little girls. She is very feminine, loves having her curly hair done up in clips and bows, loves to change her earrings and admire them in the mirror, and has recently become enchanted by lip gloss. which she knows she can always find in my purse. she has warm brown eyes that sparkle mischeviously when she is being sassy, and dance like starlight when she laughs. these children our in the foster care of out best firends, and we had been hoping they would become permanent family members...but apparently God has other plans. This coming Friday they will be adopted by a family that as of now they have never met. I am thankful that God has given these people a desire to love children, but to be honest, i don't understand why things are turning out this way. abba, Help me to trust in you! We spent a good part of yesterday at our friends' house seemingly constantly taking pictures and video of them interacting with each other, our friends, their other children,and us. it was bittersweet, knowing we may never see them again, but also enjoying the moments we had with them... and i am reminded that It is better to have loved and lost...then to never have loved at all. how very very true! Anthony and Andraya~ We love you!!!!

Can you?

Can you love someone you have never met? Can imagining their sweet face make you weak in the knees? Can just the hope of meeting them brighten up your whole day? Can you devote a good chunk of your time to preparing for them- even though you don't yet know when they are coming? I think you can. Whoever this little person turns out to be- Jackson or Lexi - i am already completely in love. I know i have a friend or family member or two who thinks i am a little crazy, but i just know that God has me in this place and i need to embrace the woman that He is creating me to be. I have said this before, many many times- just a matter of 8-10 weeks ago i was resolutely not ready for motherhood- maybe in a couple years....That's what i told everyone. But then God put this desire for motherhood in my heart, this sense that finally the gifts He has blessed me with would all come together to be used in this one role... My voice to sing my children lullabies....My compassion to dry their tears and understand their hurts... My intelligence to teach them to use their minds as best they can...My imagination to not let them know i am trying to educate them(:-D)... My creativity to make childhood always fun and exciting...My love of people to make our home a friendly one for kids and adults alike...i just know this is what i was created to be- the most exciting, rewarding, and yes, demanding job in the world- A mother! Abba, prepare me mind, body and soul for this- cultivate in me a mothers heart and help me to look to You in all things. You are everything.