Wishing and wondering

I am starting to hope and wonder... if there is a new life inside of me. i have all of the symptoms i had before, and it has been long enough... Oh, my Father , take my heart and all its hopes and wonderings and wrap me in Your arms of love. Give me wisdom as to what course to pursue over the next days and weeks, help me to trust in You and Your perfect timing. i desire motherhood so deeply, Father, and i fear that another disappointment would be more than i could bear. Father, just guide and protect me and my tender heart, and help me to rely on You for strength and hope and Patience as we wait to see your will worked out.

The ache is still sharp

This song was written about a child who lived only two and a half days. i cannot imagine losing a child after carrying him for so long and delivering him. my heart is broken over a child i never met. Yet this song captures it perfectly. (Wheres the navigator of your destiny?/ Where is the dealer of this hand?/ Who can explain life and its brevity/ cause there is nothing here that I can understand/ You and I have barely met/ And I just dont want to let go of you yet// Chorus: Noah, hello, goodbye/ I will see you on the other side/ Noah, sweet child of mine/ I will see you on the other side// And so I hold your tiny hand in mine/ For the hardest thing Ive ever had to face/ Heaven calls for you before it calls for me/ When you get there, save me a place/ A place where I can share your smile/ And I can hold you for more than just a while// Chorus

Four Weeks...

Has it really been that long? In some ways it seems like just yesterday, but in others...well it seems like years ago. I feel like so much has changed inside of me, and i see life in a very different way. i notice more good in others, appreciate kind things done for me more, and see more opportunities to do nice things for others. I have also learned that motherhood is a blessing to be appreciated and taken seriously- and is not something one should take for granted. Not all of what i am feeling is so positive (or mature...) i am really struggling with not being able to understand why i lost the baby. i know that it s probably not for me to know , but it is stull really hard to accept. i guess what i really need is to constantly ask God to remind me of His love and sovreignty and give me peace. Abba~ Please fill me with your peace tonight. help me to trust in You and Your plan for me. I ask for continued motivation and energy to go to the gym and get my body healthy and strong. Help me to get ing good shape and lose most of my excess weight. Make my body healthy so that i can be the best possible growing space for a baby. I also ask that you would bring egg and sperm together in the miracle of conception soon. Please bless us with a healthy preganancy and a new baby as soon as possible. you know our hearts and what is best for us, and i pray You will fill us with your joy . in your precious and Holy name i ask these things.

step 5

I miss you....though i never met you... These are the opening lines of a song by my acquaintance, kindred Spirit and awesome musician Ashton Allen. This song is not about what i am going through at all, but those lines are just what i am feeling lately. there was just something about the knowledge that this tiny child was growing inside me that simply changed my life. i will never be the same. i am not sure is it was the brief but meaningful time I was pregnant, or the experience of the miscarriage and the work that God did in me through that, but i am forever changed. Father, help me to put my trust in Youj and lean on Your strength and goodness thru all of this. amen

For the first time ...

...every word in this song means something real to me. (Blessed be Your Name, in the land that is plentiful/where Your Streams of abundance flow/Blessed be Your name/and blessed be Your name, when i'm found in the desert place/though i walk through the wilderness/blessed be Your name//every blessing You pour out i'll turn back to praise/and when the darkness closes in , Lord/still i will say/Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your name/blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be Your glorious name//Blessed be Your name when the sun's shining down on me/when the world's all as it should be/blessed be Your name/ and blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering/though there's pain in the offerring/ blessed be Your name//Every blessing You pour out i'll turn back to praise/when the darkness closes in Lord/ Still i will say/ Blessed be the name of the Lord/Blessed be Your name/blessed be the name of the Lord/ Blessed be Your glorious name// You give and take away/You give and take away/ But my heart will choose to say /Blessed be Your name!!!) I remember singing that song and wondering if in the desert place or on the road marked with sufferring could i really praise God. did i love Him and trust Him enough to know that His plan was far better than mine and remember that when i was really hurting? until yesterday it was all hypothetical really. Not anymore. I have lost loved ones before, and it was sad, but the loss of a child is something completely different- even if it is a child you never even met. i was still a mother- for a brief time, and i loved this child with all of my heart and wanted nothing more in this world than to protect my little one from every harm. And i think i got my first taste of one of the pains of motherhood- no matter how badly you want to protect your child- you can't! you can do everything "right" and sometimes it is just out of your control. But it is never ever out of HIS control. God knew form the moment this child was concieved what would happen, and although i don't understand it, He has a plan to use it for my good and His glory. So, because of that knowledge, which i am prayerfully converting into belief, i can, on this "desert road of suffering" Still say : BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD!!!!! In this world, The love of God is my oasis!

Silver Lining

Abba~ today was such a long, hard day. I am more sure than ever before of how small my mind must be compared to Yours, because I sure don't understand why today happened. I mean the Real reasons- the You reasons- not the medical reasons. Those do not interest me in the least. I am not angry with You like I would have expected to be in this situation. I am just confused. I don't really understand why You would allow us to find out about the baby last week just to have a miscarriage a mere week later. But my ways are not Your ways. Father, I love You and I trust You to have a perfect plan for my life, and in my head I know that this will be ok, that it's not the end, but rather a beginning of another chance to create something beautiful. Thank You for all the people who love me and are praying for me right now. Thank You for everything You have blessed me with so far in life,and for adopting me as your child. Abba, You have given me so much, and allowed me to experience such wonderful things- I know You have sooo much more in store. Help me not to lose sight of You in this, Father. Help me to just get right back up and get healthy again and look for people who need Your love every day. Thank You for my Husband, who is so kind to me and takes such good care of me. Help me look for ways to bless Him every day. Thank You, Abba, for another chance to have a baby. Please help us to know when the time is right to try again.

just amazed

Hello loyal readers... ;-) Today i sit in awe of God's goodness to me. Although i don't know very much about my Little One, i know that i could never love anyone more than this child growing inside of me. I am afraid at times that something will go wrong, that this is too good to be true, but with God's help, i won't be focusing on that. After all, would not want it to become a self- fullfilling prophecy! No, instead i am gonna choose to embrace the joy and peace that come form knowing that I am a Child of the Most High and He loves me far beyond my imagiantion- way beyond how much i could ever love my baby.He knows whether i am having a boy or a girl, when Little One will be born, eye color (i hope blue) hair color, (i hope brown if it is a girl or red if it is a boy)everything . in 5 days i may have an idea of some of this - but never will i have the intimate knowledge of my child that God does- or that some knowledge that He has of me! amazing! Abba Father, thank You for blessing us with this child.Please continure to protect Him or her like You have so far. Please allow our Little One to grow strong and healthy ,and to be born with no complications. Make this child a living example of Your power and Your ability to make something wondrous and beautiful out of a flawed vessel. Help me to take care of myself in every way neccesary to take good care of the baby. Give me peace and help me to trust in You and Your power to protect and grow this child. Finally, i pray that we will find out on Wednesday that i am past my first trimester and that everything is perfect with Little One's development. Amen

Unexpected

Yesterday was something fully unexpected. I never thought it could be one of the most important days of my life. i never expected the emotion, the pride, the knowledge that something important had been accomplished, and that i had a part in it. i learned so much i never knew, and felt so much i never knew i felt. I am so proud. Yesterday my Daddy retired from the Navy. I knew it would be a big day, i knew it would mean a lot to him for me to be there, but i had no idea what it would mean to me. I had no idea that i would be so unspeakably glad to be part of that day. I guess i am two things i never really embraced for myself before. In my heart, i am a Navy brat, and more than that, i am my Daddy's Girl. He is my Hero. I knew it would be a big day for him, because since he was little more than a boy, he has been a Sailor.i knew he was passionate about his work- he has a work ethic that i have seen in nobody else ever! He personifies the idea that if a job is worth doing, it is worth doing well- i have never seen him do anything halfway. My Dad is so strong, so brave, so devoted, so faithful and so trustworthy- but i have never seen him honored like he was yesterday. it was amazing to see him finally being recognized like he has deserved for so long. Admittedly- i have never honored him the way he deserves. Yesterday taught me a lesson that i guess my Daddy has been teaching me for close to 20 years- Doing the best job that you can, even without glory and praise being showered on you makes a larger impact on more people than you will ever know. So many people have been touched and inspired by this great man, and most of them i had never met until yesterday. Many more than i will ever meet have been blessed by his faithfulness and his humility. As his daughter i have benefited so richly from his example, but i never realized how many countless others were also growing and being challenged by this strong, wise, yet unbelievably humble man. He does things as he does them because it is the right way to do them, and because he does everything unto the glory of God. I am so blessed to have this man for my father here on Earth, and though i have not always been appreciative, i think yesterday opened my eyes to a great many things, and God has laid it on my heart to share his greatness and his humble faithfulness with you. one of my favorite things about my Daddy is that he shares my love of singing. His voice has always been a treasure, and goosebump-raising to hear, but like everything else, he sings for God's glory- not his own. i have to be honest, if my voice was that amazing, i would probably want to show it off every chance i get- but not daddy- it is a tool for worship ,to bless those and remind them of God's majesty- not to earn himself praise. Daddy, i learned so much from you growing up, how to dress, how to bargain shop(two of my best talents!), how to ride a bike, how to be silly, how to laugh at myself, how to try uncomfortable things in new places and be brave about it, as i got older there were many more lessons, so me i refused to learn- but there were-even in my teen years that i took to heart- i looked at you and saw character traits that were required in my choice for a husband: Humility, faithfulness, honesty, striving for excellence in everything, Unwavering Faith in our Savior- these things were non-negotiable. As a young woman i continued to learn from your example how family comes second only to God and how my marriage is my most important ministry. i learned that your servant leadership freed Mom up to be a better helpmate and prayed for the same in my own marriage. Yesterday, Daddy, i learned even more from you. You HAVE stood the Watch, you have don your job and been faithful to all your commitments, and i admire you and respect you for that. You have achieved greatness and excellence in many things, yet always remained humble- that humbles me. You have so often been brave enough to admit your mistakes- i love you for that. Daddy, More and more as i get older- YOU ARE MY HERO!

wondering...

Father, Help me during this time where i am not totally sure of what is going on. Help me to trust in You that You will give me the desires of my heart. Right now i feel like i know something has happenned, but is that just wishful thinking? Father, You know me inside out- You know how strong this desire for motherhood is within me- please give me the awesome opportunity to be a mom! help me to take care of myself and be surew i am eating a nd exercising enough. Thanks, Abba, for loving me even when i am insane...

Unfounded fears

i think unfounded fear is worse than false hope. Sometimes, if i let my mind go there, it will start trying to convince me that not only am i not going to become pregnant this month, it won't happen next month or any following month either...This fear that as strong as this desire to become a mother is- it is not gonna happen. i hate it cuz i know it is not from God, who i know has placed this on my heart and completely transformed my mind and gotten rid of a lot of selfishness in me. Stuff that really i would never have been willing to let go on my own. Also, so much is going so well right now, it just seems like God is pulling it all together. So why do i worry? Well it is not constant, just a little piercing thought that works its way in once in a while, and if i allow it to grows into something much worse. Abba, protect my mind and heart from this fear. Fill me with Your peace, that You do not start something and not follow through. You have always given me the best, and help me not to doubt what You have done and are doing in me right now. Please fill me with peace and hope, and knit together in my womb a beautiful child that we can raise to love You and do Your work.

Myths

They say that "Women Know" when they are with child. I wonder about that. Do they only know when it is unplanned? Do they only know when it is an "inconvenience"? Cuz i would like to "know" in this "womanly" way. I mean, lately i sometimes think i know~ but it that just because i want it so bad? Is my mind playing a trick on me? Sometimes(most of the time) i have no idea what is going on inside me- but i am sure something is. is it just indigestion? Or am i ovulating (sorry to be all clinical!) or is my body adjusting to a new life that is just beginning inside of me. Honestly i have listed these possibilities in ascending order of what i want it to be. Father God~ i ask you to do a miraculous work inside my body over the next days. Take part of me and part of my husband, and knit them together to create a beautiful new life inside of me. Father' i want os badly to become a mother, and i know You have placed this desire in me- please continue what You have begun in my heart and in my body. You know my heart and you know my mind and you know how Satan tries to make me doubt You , doubt myself, doubt the work you have done and are doing in me, and i ask You to help me banish these thoughts from my mind! Abba, i ask you for this child so that i can continue to grow in what you have created me to do with this life You have given me, and so that Scott and i can have a glimpse of the love You have for us through our love for our baby. Thank you, Father for giving all this to me and for making me your child. I love you So much!

To be content...

...Something that i feel like most of the time comes rather easy for me. i am learning, however that even the rare times when i find myself feeling really disgruntled with life are not ok- maybe natural- but not ok. God is bigger than anything i feel- and HE can make me content. At the same time- contentment is not being ok with the things in my life that are wrong. i should not be content with having a bad attitude toward washing the dishes. it would not be acceptable to notice a sin problem in my life and just be ok with that being part of who i am. I should be motivated to improve the things i can improve- to make my house a house of peace- to be a blessing to my husband and willing to let go of the things i cannot change- like any fault i find in my husband. (Which is a rare thing...But does happen...We are both human) I love the Serenity Prayer. it fits perfectly into this topic: God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen That is only the beginning of the prayer, but it is the part that touches me most deeply. i feel like, as i prepare for motherhood, i should be preparing my heart as well as my mind for what will be the most challenging and rewarding years of my life- the years of raising a child, when i will truly have to learn to die to self- give up what I want and live for God and choose what is most glorifying to Him.

Tis Better to have loved and lost...

Over the past month or so two of the most beautiful and special people i have met have come into and are about to walk out of my life- probably forever. Their names are Anthony and Andraya. Anthony is almost five and incredibly sweet. he has an incredible imagination and a smile that is so infectious i cannot think of him without grinning broadly. He is one of those children who just finds his way into your heart and you are sure he will never leave. His sister, Andraya, about to turn four, is everything i love in little girls. She is very feminine, loves having her curly hair done up in clips and bows, loves to change her earrings and admire them in the mirror, and has recently become enchanted by lip gloss. which she knows she can always find in my purse. she has warm brown eyes that sparkle mischeviously when she is being sassy, and dance like starlight when she laughs. these children our in the foster care of out best firends, and we had been hoping they would become permanent family members...but apparently God has other plans. This coming Friday they will be adopted by a family that as of now they have never met. I am thankful that God has given these people a desire to love children, but to be honest, i don't understand why things are turning out this way. abba, Help me to trust in you! We spent a good part of yesterday at our friends' house seemingly constantly taking pictures and video of them interacting with each other, our friends, their other children,and us. it was bittersweet, knowing we may never see them again, but also enjoying the moments we had with them... and i am reminded that It is better to have loved and lost...then to never have loved at all. how very very true! Anthony and Andraya~ We love you!!!!

Can you?

Can you love someone you have never met? Can imagining their sweet face make you weak in the knees? Can just the hope of meeting them brighten up your whole day? Can you devote a good chunk of your time to preparing for them- even though you don't yet know when they are coming? I think you can. Whoever this little person turns out to be- Jackson or Lexi - i am already completely in love. I know i have a friend or family member or two who thinks i am a little crazy, but i just know that God has me in this place and i need to embrace the woman that He is creating me to be. I have said this before, many many times- just a matter of 8-10 weeks ago i was resolutely not ready for motherhood- maybe in a couple years....That's what i told everyone. But then God put this desire for motherhood in my heart, this sense that finally the gifts He has blessed me with would all come together to be used in this one role... My voice to sing my children lullabies....My compassion to dry their tears and understand their hurts... My intelligence to teach them to use their minds as best they can...My imagination to not let them know i am trying to educate them(:-D)... My creativity to make childhood always fun and exciting...My love of people to make our home a friendly one for kids and adults alike...i just know this is what i was created to be- the most exciting, rewarding, and yes, demanding job in the world- A mother! Abba, prepare me mind, body and soul for this- cultivate in me a mothers heart and help me to look to You in all things. You are everything.

Elusive Evasive Trust.

Trust. Particularly Trust in God and the fact that He knows EVERY single event of my life and He cares for me more than I could ever comprehend. I go through this form time to time, and thankfully He has brought me to a place where I almost never fear- butsometimes I just give in. I need to Trust Him. I need to know that He does not put a desire in my heart that He does not plan to see come to an amazing conclusion. I know He has given me this desire to be a mother- He has conquered so many fears in me about a great many things- He will take care of me. I need not fear. Father, Tonight I ask you to guide my steps as I pursue being a godly woman. Help me to love those around me as they need to be loved- not just how I want to love them. Prepare my body and soul for what is to come- this great journey of motherhood.

Anticipation

That's the state I am in. Anticipation. I Feel I am on the egged of something so amazing, something beyond the comprehension of my small self. Today I began taking prenatal vitamins, and extra calcium. it is starting to feel more real now that my life is about to change. I look forward to that change with great-----anticipation. I realize now that I need to really begin taking good care of my physical fitness- I need to get this body in shape and get into a habit that will help me keep it that way as I carry our child. Father, this seems so trivial- but I know it is so important. Please help me get and stay in shape during this time of anticipation and change! Help me to pursue my spiritual health even more now, ans I prepare to be a mother, cultivate in me the heart of the mother my children will need in the years to come. Soften my heart where it needs to be softened, strengthen me where I need it, so I can help raise this child who has yet to be conceived to be a man or woman who seeks You.

God- You amaze me!

Thanks you, Father for your unfailing love to me. The way you remind me that my fears are silly and that you will give me all I need! Amazing how I can be so lost inside myself that I don't see how you are working in me and in others. My thoughts tend to be so jumbled I don't see the clarity of Your plan. Forgive me for not trusting in you more, and help me to open my mind and heart to trusting in you! Thank you for Steven and Jillian- help us to grow in our relationship with them, Father and strenghten our love for each other and you!

New Feelings

well...not exactly new...i mean...i have always wanted to be a mother...just not like this.(disclaimer: i am NOT pregnant yet!!!!) i guess before it was sort of a theoretical "yeah, of course...someday" kinda thing. But over the past few months it has evolved into something much larger, and over the past weeks- it has become a serious- for real- deep desire of my heart! i see women with child, women with toddlers, women with infants...all these tug at my heart and make me smile- but this past saturday i saw what i had not seen yet-at least not since this became real to me- a woman with a newborn. i know that motherhood will not be all about the radiance of pregnancy, the doting on by strangers, and my sweet, cuddly newborn- but i am still ready for whatever God gives me. last night Scott asked if i was ready for my life to be all about this baby- and without hesitation i said yes- not because i am so excited at the prospect, but because i have thought it through and i know i am. it won't be a totally new concept for me since my life has pretty much been all about one person for almost 7 years( all you who have known me that long would agree). so now i am sure that god has me in a place where there is enough of me for my life to be all about two people!